I am very unsure on how to proceed.  You wouldn't think that it is such an issue, since we have been through deployment before; however, the pain is still there.  The wondering is still there, and I think that it is worse because I know what to expect.  I know what it is going to feel like. That is the worse part. 

I sit here with tears in my eyes wondering how I am going to handle it.  Yet, I am the first to tell wives that they will make it.  Don't be the victim, be the victor.  But why can't I take my own advice.  I need to stay strong for my kids, and the families that my husband wants me to support.  Yet, at this point I just want to crawl up on the bed and stay there.

I want to freeze time.  I want to be able to just stop everything and wait for him to be home.  How can I make it through the deployment, when he is still in the states and I am feeling this way.  I'm not sure if that is what is making it worse.  Knowing that I can still call him and talk to him, yet he can't hold me and comfort me in his arms.

Then I look at today.  I survived a player getting hurt at the football game.  My mind immediately thought, don't let it happen to my child.  The insurance hasn't kicked in, lol.  I dealt with my oldest not telling me the truth and trying to hide his feelings behind his lies.  Am I teaching him this?  Do I need to be more honest with the kids?

The last time I was openly honest with the kids, it bit me in the butt.  I was honest about Dad deploying and Mom losing her job.  I was honest about the struggle with money.  Only to learn that my youngest was not eating breakfast at school to try to save us money.  So then I thought that I was being to honest with the kids.  Again, I am at a loss.

How do I handle three boys, no job, and a deploying husband?  I suck it up.  I talk to my friends, who don't always understand what I am going through.  I put on a happy face and tell the boys it is okay.  I will make sure that there is food on the table.  I will make sure that they are taken care of and that they survive this better than I do.

Does this mean counseling, one on one time, or just listening?  That I am unsure of.  I do know that I have done this once and that thousands of wives do it everyday.  So I can survive.  I will survive.  I will do it through countless tears, laughter, and loneliness.  But we will do it, there is no other way.