I actually cleaned the boy's bathroom today and I have done laundry.  That may seem like nothing; but for me it is major.  I am losing it.  I don't know what to do with myself.  There are a million things I could be doing, like homework and painting.

I am not sure I am going to survive as a stay at home mom.  I have always worked since my children were born.  I am just not the stay at home type.  I love my children, but not getting to interact with adults on a regular basis is grating on my nerves.  Plus, with my husband deployed I don't even get it at night.

So what do I do, I call my friend, my confident, my survival from the first deployment, Cherie.  Yet I feel guilty calling her during the day because she is working.  She is doing what I love to do, supporting the military family.  Why does there have to be politics, why couldn't my contract be renewed??????

If I keep focusing on the why, it will drive me just as much insane as staying at home.  I feel that people don't understand.  Their comments are well you worked from home what is the difference???  The difference is that I am no longer helping anyone.  I have been in this field for the last 9 years, and I loved it!!!  Now with the deployment, I don't even feel the family readiness group needs my help.

Someone just let me do something!!!  I am sick of making sure my house is spotless.  The boys love it, because they don't have as many chores, but what am I becoming??  I am becoming a depressed stay at home mom that does nothing but surf the internet and clean.  That isn't me.

Sure I could put more focus on my college work, but heck I am already an "A" student, what else can I do????  Is this what it feels like to be unwanted and unneeded?  Is this what growing up with my mother did to me?  I know I need to feel wanted and needed or just plain useful.  But I am not, I am just a stay at home mom whose kids are all in school.

Then I think how many stay at home moms have I just offended.  I don't mean what they do is wrong.  I admire the women who can stay at home and completely fulfill all the desires, it's just not in my personality.  Oh well guess I send out another resume..............