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this last year. i can't believe how much has changed. i started on it in the last blog i just needed to say it but didn't want to write anything because once i get writing i'm going to be writing for awhile.
two years ago my brother, lee, started letting me see the side of everyone that goes out and gets drunk and has a good time. they started the process from me having a girlfriend spend the night which was a "good weekend" to going out with the friends, driving around drinking and hanging out.
in the last year hes let me see the pot side. and it didn't start out good. i starting flirting with and having a relationship with this guy, dylan. well, he was a pot head, correction, is a pot head. and when i starting really diggin' him i still thought "omg drugs". and my cool big brother was letting me hangout with him and i talked to him about. we got on the subject and i do believe it was the first time (ahh got to love the "firsts") he lied to my face. he asked if i ever smoked it before, of course i said no. i asked him. i was pretty positive he did but i had never seen it. he told me "no, i don't prefer it". i remember the words very well. i asked lindsey, who was at the time my "bff". she flipped on me, or more like him, and told me pretty much yea, he was a complete stoner.
that hurt me pretty bad. but i have this amazing tendincy to keep things inside for a couple of days, and i mean just fume. and then maybe a week later? i'm at his door saying what the flying fuck. but he always lies more that i can't prove. it doesn't matter anyway once i ask why i always start crying, emotional conflict.
i'm a pussy what can i say.
born that way too :]
i've drank and got drunk and woke up on a pile of friends .
i've made so many stories i really don't remember.
i've camped with my bestest of friends.
i thought i was going to die in a vehicle,
i thought i was going to die from alcohol posioning,
i thought i was going to die from walking across a fallen tree over a ravine (and i had been drinking).
i've danced around a fire to tom petty at 5oclock in the morning (i know what youre wondering...yes, i was fully clothed).
i've danced on top of pool tables and swung stripper style around a basketball pool.
i've made a best friend, and i've lost best friend.
i starting liking a boy that i knew, and 2 years later we're dating.
i was exciting for my nephew to be born, and now he walks to my room and comes in smiling at me =]
i was close to hating my brother lee, and loved my brother john, and now i'm highly annoyed by john and i love lee.
i've experienced pot for the first time this year, no matter how little of effect it takes on me.
i smoked my first ciggarette, which i still secretly regret.
i've stayed up all night watched movies by myself and enjoyed being alone.
i've somehow managed to stuble across motoivation and have become pretty darn successful in schoolwork.
i went on a limb and tried for college level and succeeded it with flying colors.
i studied for my permit test and and missed 6 of all the answers you were allowed to miss, and then drove home.
i turned my sweet sixteen.
i've started a blog, and actually kept up with it.
i've made some good friends, and still have them.
i got in my first real relationship with a stoner and was broken by the lying pothead in him 1month later.
i sold my first pony, and got to work for lessons at the place i sold him to.
i went to my first real horse show and took first in my class.
i've hung out of my window and smoked little cigars on a bad day then frebreezed my room when my mom walks in moments later (never got caught).
i've watched my brother, lee, who i never thought would settle down, slowly fall in love with the current gf (he told me that "i'm going to marry her...if i don't fuck it up", thats a direct quote =]).
i went to my first party without my brother (which was scary as shit) with abunch of redneck ganghstas.
my hero, chandra, who went to my church and was the most honest, amazing, woman i have ever met, died of a long battle with cancer in september.
R.I.P. C.C
i'm going to miss this last year.
and its been scary as hell knowing all the changes and that was just one year and i'm only 16.
and now its the start of another. and i don't know whats left to change.
tonight i went to the barn to hang out with lee and a couple other people. my mom started the "well im not sure i want you around drinking and smoking and cussing". (sidenote: like my entire family doesnt to that or anything, it sounds like christmas). well i got to the barn and lee saw my and walked outside and i just started crying. my mom has told me many times that when i turn 18 she was going to fly to new mexico and live there. and shes dead serious. she hates her life. we talked about it today, i took her out to lunch. she serious. she hates indiana. she hates living on the country. and i just started crying my eyes out. we were standing aorund the corner of the barn hugging. he doesn't even realize how much living in this house has gotten since hes moved out. and its because of him. he was asking me what he could do to help, to change things, and i can't ask him hey by the way can you stop drinking, smoking, smoking weed, chewing tobacco, and sleeping with your girlfriend, thanks it'd make my life easier.... by the way all the stuff my mom dispises and has major problems with lee because of it, she can't believe how well she raised him and he turns out like this. oh and hes in debt. so i told him to start coming to sunday dinner. and hes said he would.
tomorrow is sunday.
and i hope he keeps his promise. i told him not to promise but he did anyway. i hate promises.
goodnight. i'm going to lay in bed and reflect on all the new ways i might die this year.
p.s. sorry for the no caps thing, i've gotten realy lazy. i hate formal writing now with this english comp class.
p.s.s. listen to this song, its amazing, i saw her live and this song made me bawl like a baby. its "On My Bones" - Kendall Payne
free.napster.com/player/
p.s.s.s. i told you when i get writing i don't stop.
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Posted by Acre on 2008-02-16 23:20:54 | Rating: | Views: 65
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