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| Daily Mess - Doing My Hair |
Oprah inspired me .... she had an episode about feelings mothers are often ashamed to admit. So today I start the journey of exploring uninhibited feelings at least once a day. I wonder how liberating this will be ....
Today, I was thinking that I should be ashamed for wishing that my newborn would fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer just so that I could straighten my hair. How wrong is that!! I should have taken a before- and after- shot of my hair though, you might have been able to understand why I felt so strongly. Trust me, my hair is a mess when it's not done!! I even got upset that someone else in the house woke her up on accident! After all, I was in the middle of straightening my hair when she was abruptly awoken! So then, I had to wait another 2 hours before I could get back to my "beautifying".
So this got me thinking ... why is it so important to me that I wanted to straighten my hair? There are several reasons. In these days, I actually feel more pressure by society to not 'let my looks go' now that I'm a mother. Sometimes it feels like there's actual shame in putting your kids first. It's as though mothers are expected to do it all ... have a career, be financially successful, raise perfect children, own a home and a car, all the while looking spectacular! Supermodels do it, why can't I? I know that's not the intent ... when people say to not put yourself at the bottom of the list, they just don't realize that I don't even have myself on my list most days!! So by virtue of saying, "don't put yourself last on the list", in my world, that translates to, "add another item on your long, long, long list of things to do".
At the same time, maybe I wanted so badly to do my hair because I wanted to do something I used to do. Maybe it's a way of remembering the past (the days when I really had nothing to do). Don't get me wrong, I really wouldn't want those days back! If I could just add more hours in a day to accomplish it all, my problems would be solved! (Or would I just find more things around the house to do???>>>......)
Wait, I think I got it ... I really did my hair because deep down I'm afraid of becoming that woman. You know, the stereotypical mom-on-the-go, the one that always smells like baby throw-up, the one that always has dark circles under her eyes, the one that forgets to show her husband how much she cares about him too (not just the children), or the woman that loses herself to her children altogether.
Even my husband constantly reminds me that I should take some time for myself. He actually helps me to make that happen! He doesn't tell me what to do with the time he makes for me (which is good, I would think he is vain if he told me I needed to take some time to do my hair :) I do know he loves my hair though, so doing my hair is also a sign to him that I know his interests. My worst fear in life has always been to lose my husband. I don't think he'll ever leave me, but I do think that getting consumed or obsessed in just being a mother (as beautiful as that part of my life is) while forgetting to take care of me, I may just end up with that very self-fulfilling prophecy. Getting consumed in any one thing, no matter how important it is, can really make me lose my mind. My children will always be my priority, that will never change, but maybe instead of lengthening my list of things to do, I can forego a few items to get myself back on the list.
So I straightened my hair because I want to be on my list, for myself, for my children and for my husband. I need to feel good to be a good role model for my daughter, for her to know that it's okay to do things for yourself. I need to look put together so that my son has a good example to look up to for his future companions. And I want to look good for my husband, so that I don't become someone that he doesn't know and so that he will always remember me as the woman he fell in love with. I know that he didn't just fall in love with my hair, but he surely didn't fall in love with someone that doesn't shower and doesn't take care of herself either!
So there you have it ... in the end, I think that I did my hair because I do care about myself. And for that, I shouldn't feel ashamed ...
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Posted by atcrossroads on 2009-08-09 13:33:58 | Rating: | Views: 63
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