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You know how there are something’s that you feel you need to say out loud..But you’re scared to. Because then it means it’s all real, and once its real – if/when you get your heart broken – it’s out there, there will be no possibility to suffer in silence. When you finally speak your thoughts and feelings out loud, especially to that person your thinking and feeling about, and definitely to your friends – even just that once – there’s no taking it back. It’s out there, and everyone heard it.
Granted, if you don’t say anything but you continue to feel it – and you still get hurt, it’s still going to hurt like a bitch – that’s in evitable.
So obviously, there’s this guy. Who I live a totally different life too. LOL but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
He has 2 kids, and one that he has taken in as his own. He is my cousin’s boyfriends. Best friend. We talk every day, and every night. And I feel like I don’t even have to try. When we first started talking, I wasn’t trying to impress him. It was just general friendly chat (and still is) and we clicked.
And it’s basically gone from there. I refuse to over think this….thing.
There are a few things that I’m not over looking.
The fact that he has 2 kids (well 3) that are his pride and joy – and I have told him that as much as I think his girls are gorgeous, and how I would love to meet them. I will not. We don’t even know if this thing, whatever it is..Will develop past friendship – that’s all unknown. And I believe that when it comes to kids being a part of 2 homes, it’s not right to introduce them to someone new so fast – not until you feel for a fact that it could go somewhere and you want it too, and if it gets to the point that you could get serious, and begin a life together…then yes, definitely include the children, but until then…keep it separate. I love how much he loves those girls, I can see the pride and joy in his eyes and hear it in is voice when he talks about them. Its awesome!
Then there’s the fact that the mother of his children want him back. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. Usually I’d be ridiculously jealous, but before our conversations escalated to what it is, we spoke about his girls and their mother and he is adamant that he doesn’t want to be back with her, that he is not in love with her. So I guess she’s really not a factor in this, other than being the girls’ mother….?
And of course the really big one….my travelling. Something that I feel is a must for me. And he has said that he will never ask me not to go. And I trust and believe that he won’t. But I think I would miss him like crazy, and would feel like I was leaving behind. And before anyone suggests the obvious – that he comes with – remember, he has his girls to think about. And I wouldn’t let him leave them right now, not with them being so young. I’d rather he waits until they’re old enough to travel too hehehe.
So really, I just have no idea. LOL
And here I go over thinking it. I think I’m just afraid to feel anything for anyone again. Yes this is extremely different to Trent – for one thing, Liam has his head screwed on. LOL Although, I have no idea what the future holds, or if this will go anywhere, if I want it too, or what I’d do if it did.
Would I get scared and bail like I’m so used to doing??
But here’s what I do know: I love talking to him, I love not having to hide who I am, I love that when he looks at me with those insane eyes and gorgeous smile, i can feel my tummy going nuts as the butterflies grow. And I hate how he makes me blush. And how I do nothing but smile when I hear his voice, or hear his name.
He tells me how he feels, and yet I keep my mouth closed when it comes to how I really feel. And for once with my writing, im even hesitating here. I really just have no idea. I just want to let it develop the way it’s meant too, without any force. And yet the idea of him leaving my life – is not something I want to think about. He has become a very good friend, believe it or not. I wake to a message from him, every morning. And I fall asleep the same way.
For some reason, my cousin is a little hesitant about me talking to Liam. But I think that’s because of Benny. After all he is Benny’s best mate, and Benny wants nothing but happiness for him. And I know that Benny has told Liam that he doesn’t want what happened with Trent and I to happen to Liam and I. I guess we should be flattered that they care so much. But there does come a point where looking out for her little cousin, becomes an interrogation at a bowling alley. And Sunday – was when we reached that line. I’m not holding it against her, and I get that she’s worried.
But things will develop and fall apart the way they’re meant too – everything happens for a reason, and majority of it is beyond our control.
So I say embrace what makes you happy.
Put aside other people’s opinions.
And keep smiling.
Everyone is far more appealing with a smile on their face.
If things fall apart, brush it off – when you’re ready too – and keep going. Who knows what that fall may cause.
And as for Liam and I…. the pages are yet to be written.
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