| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| i am NOT great |
Today is the first day since i can remember, where I have not constantly been checking my phone. I have not worried about the whereabouts of this device.
Today is the first day since i can remember… where i just didn’t care.
And truth be told – i loved it.
I am becoming beyond overwhelmed with everything going on in my world, and those worlds surrounding my own – that’s all becoming so much – that i’m not coping. I’m trying to find a balance. But all that makes sense to me is to be on my own. do it on my own. i can handle myself and my drama – my world – i know how to do that, i know what i want out of MY life, this – this i know how to do. But when it comes to being tied to someone else’s happiness. That i do not cope with so well.
A few weeks ago, I was up north with this amazing guy. There was no pressure, no outside influence, no outside opinions, just us. Sitting on a beach, and lying on a mattress watching a movie… Just us. And it was great. “I can do this. what have i been so afraid of?” i kept thinking as i felt his arms wrap around me tightly, and kiss my back…and say good night. “this i can do”.
But then i came home. and i was no longer up north, hidden away in la-la land without a hint of reality. Now I'm home. Now I'm surrounded by reality.
I’m not the kind of girl who sits around and relies on other people, who relies on centre link payments. That is not me. And I'll be damned if i sit around feeling sorry for myself because I'm here, and not overseas seeing the world. “i should be out there, experiencing and learning what the world has to offer and teach me – not here unhappy and unable to get a job”…
So when i left up north, and i left the amazing guy (who lets face it, any girl would be lucky to have) full of motivation and determination… I was going to get back into Childcare. I was going to start studying my diploma. And i was going to do what it takes to get my desired position – even if that meant working my way up. I came home. I went to max employment. I told them my plan. I walked out feeling confident and excited. I applied for as many jobs that were available. And I got a job interview. the next day – i was having a 4 hour job trial. 3 days later – i was offered the position that i desired. Group Leader in Nursery. My motivation and determination paid off. I am now working full time and will begin studying within in the next month.
So in my professional life – I'm getting it back of track. and i feel so good about it. After taking a year off to travel and do something for me, i feel ready to get back into it. I have drive again. i have goals and dreams. and i know i will reach them.
Unfortunately, the last time i was working full time, 2 of my best friends weren't single mums. I didn’t have a best friend in Melbourne. I didn’t have a god-daughter. I didn’t have an amazing guy who had become one of my greatest friends, who wants to be with me. I didn’t have to juggle professional obligation and responsibility, as well as a private life. When your an assistant in a childcare centre, there isn’t work that needs to be completed. Observations to be taken and filed. Evaluations to be completed. Developmental checklists to be done. Programs to be put together and in place. I never had work that sometimes needed to come home with me. especially when I'm still learning. I haven't had to do 38 to 40 hour weeks for almost a year. I haven't had to do 6:15 starts in almost a year. My body is still getting used to this new work it has to do. The early mornings. and the exhausted body of an evening. I am not used to having to juggle all that professional life with a personal one… let alone adding a romantic one in there too.
Its too much .
And I'm not ready.
Right now i have 3 women, who play a huge part in my life. They are my family. The family i chose to have in my life. These 3 women, are everything to me.
One of which i happen to have met not even a year a go in Canada. And yet, as crazy as it is, my life will never be the same now that I've met her – and my life wouldn’t be what it is today if i had not met her. I will not loose her, and the beauty of our friendship – we don't even have to try to keep each other happy. We just … get it. LOL :)
Another one I have known since i was a thirteen year old teeny bopper. She was always a good friend throughout high school, but its only since we’ve left high school that i have truly been blessed to call her my best friend. And this woman, has blessed me with a gorgeous God-Daughter. Whom i would do anything for. None of our lives have been the same since her little girl entered our worlds.
And then there is the woman whom i met studying my certificate in my senior years of high school The 2 of couldn’t be more different. And yet, there’s something familiar about us that we strangely see within each other. Its unexplainable. But she’s my mirror that i cannot avoid. She will continue to call me on my bullshit. and tell me exactly how it is – even when i don't want to hear it. And i wouldn't have her any other way. She has blessed with with an exceptionally gorgeous nephew. And even though he wasn’t planned. None of us would trade him for the world. why would we want to?
There are 3 other people who have played a big part in my life as well.
One whom i have known since i was a vege in high school. Despite the disagreements and the distance. When the two of us get together – its life nothing has changed. nothing has ever come between us. When i fill her in on months of my life that she has not been apart of, she really wants to hear about it. and I'm more than happy to fill her in. I feel like she is someone who doesn’t necessarily want or need to be apart of everything within my life. But she’s there/here in her own special way. Just as i am for her. We are our very own separate friendship circle. No one has to get it.
And there’s the friend whom i thought i had lost, over a silly high school crush. If I can put the past behind us, and truly make an effort to get my friend back. I'm going to do it. No one has to understand it or even accept it. I never asked them too. We get on each others nerves, and we frustrate the hell out of one another, and we are completely different people. And yet, i still want her apart of my life. I still want to tell her when the great things, and the not so great things happen in my world. If i can get that back, and keep it – i will. If there is anything i have learnt through our friendship…it is this… its true what they say – never let a guy come between a great friendship. The guy didn’t break us. He simply tested us. and we needed time apart to realize how important the friendship is, and whether or not we want our lives without each other in it. It took time. and we’re still working on it. But we’re getting there.
And last, but certainly not least. The amazing guy. We met as mutual friends. and built a friendship of our own. I had finally found a guy i could really talk to, be me with. No pretending. Nothing fake. Just me. Real as can be. we met, and the chemistry was still there. And then we were hidden from reality, from outsiders. I wasn't working. so i had no distractions. for he was my distraction. I had my friends, but i made time for them almost every day – in one way or another. so i took 2 weeks out of my life to make time for him. I introduced him to my friends and family. and we went back to la-la land. Everything was great. This is a guy, who ensures i go to bed with a smile on face, and makes sure that I wake up to something to smile about. This is the guy who has promised to keep chasing me, to keep me happy. This is the guy who sends you flowers when your sad. Who sends you flowers to work place, just because. He’s the prince every girl dreams about. This is the guy who respects women the way you try to raise your sons too. This is the kind of guy mums are proud to talk about. He's a great guy. An amazing guy. and he has become one of my greatest friends. who i still want in my life.
unfortunately, I'm just not ready for all of that. Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like this in their life. Making the kind of effort he is making for me. I’m just not ready for all of that. for all of this. I hate being negative. i had my teary moment today. and I'm back with a smile on my face ready to face the next week of my life. This is what I'm ready for now. Career. Friends. My Family. Travel (not necessarily in that order LOL) This is what i know i want. as for the romance and love… definitely not ready for that. Bad timing is all, i guess. He’s prince charming. He’s just not the prince charming for me. and it breaks my heart to actually say that/ write that/ admit that… brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. This guy deserves the world. and I'm just too selfish to share mine right now.
at least i can admit that right?
I have never claimed to be a nice person, a good person – or even a decent person. I just know how to be me and be a friend. I’m still learning how to be successful. I’m still learning how to be a god mother. and Most days, I'm still learning how to be a good friend.
This guy deserves the world. He deserves true happiness. Not someone as undecided as me.
…
I’m sick of relying on technology to socialize or catch up with friends. Im over it.
For the next week my phone is going to be on lock down. For one week i am not going to send bullshit text messages and make pointless phone calls. I’m throwing myself into my work for the next 5 days. And my friendships next weekend. this is what i feel i need to do for now. at least for the next week.
I’m still learning. But in order for me to learn. i need the space to learn – especially from my mistakes.
Just because i have finally found the courage to write what's in my head doesn't meant i want to talk about it. I probably need to talk about it, but right now, i don't want too. I just want to write and live. That's it. So please. please. leave me be me. I’ll get it eventually.
I am not great.
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| Views: 64
Email This to a Friend 
