Finally,

I have found a place to write down my thoughts.  It is easier to speak and write randomly as opposed to speaking to others.  I am having a hard time sleeping at the moment.  My wife is pregnant and I am leaving for a 4-6 month deployment to Afghanistan.  If it is six months than I will miss the birth.  I can't get the thought of my wife in distress and me not being near her to reassure her that everything will be okay.  It really plays on my mind.  I am not sure if it wil be six month but I feel that with my luck it will be. 

I am gutted because...I know this is dreadful...but I don't think I will be around to see my child grow up.  In that sense, I feel guilty about this because if something does happen to me than I have saddled my wife with this awesome responsibility.  I have never been as happy as I am now and I feel that it will end for me before it really begins...and that is the misery of it.  I can not really enjoy what should be one of the most special times in my life. 

I try to really enjoy just being with my wife.  I have thought that doing this would make the time away from her easier to deal with but it doesn't.  When you are away you just end up thinking that at certain times you could have done better or done something differently.  I have been married for 2 1/2 years and I have been gone for half of it.  I regret that time so much...I just want to be rid of my job and be like everyone else....certain that I will see my children on their birthday...my wife on our anniversary. 

It is pathetic and sad that I have to prostitute myself for something I don't believe in and don't want to be apart of.