What does forgiveness mean to me, is a really good question one that I’m not really sure at this point I can answer? Forgiveness has always been easy for me until recently when I had to face my own demons. Although I will say I have never had to forgive anyone for a terrible wrong doing. I have come to a point where I am in the process to try to forgive myself for something that has happened over 20 years ago. Believe me it is easier said than done. I have hurt someone who means the world to me, one of my children. I have also hurt someone who I cared for very much. I was faced with something that at that time I could not handle. With the limited experience at life I had(I was 21), and not being very mature I was not able to put all the facts together and to think through the options and do the right thing. I know that I did the best I could with the information that was given to me at the time, and in no way did I hurt them on purpose, but that does not make this any easier. I have always taken responsibility for my actions. I have no one to blame but myself.

I had dated a girl who I cared for very much, at some point in our relationship we parted ways. I moved about 30 miles away and we did not see each other except occasionally when I came down to the little town where she lived. I received a call about 7 month’s later saying I should come down to see her. She told me she was pregnant and the child was mine. I wish I could remember what the first thoughts that came to my mind but I can’t. We talked about getting married and raising our child. I took her to the doctor where she said some things that gave me my first doubts about wither the child was mine. The more time passed the more I doubted what was going on. The voices I choose to listen to where telling me that the child was not mine. I really wish I had taken the time to talk to her so I could have seen it in her eyes and we could talk this whole thing out. Instead I choose to run. I was very angry and confused and I really did not know what to think. I spent the next few months running from all the people who had any part in this. In February of the next year she had a child and at some point after the birth I could feel that the child was mine. I really don’t know how to explain any other way but I new in my heart that this child was mine. I made a feeble attempt to try to talk to her and try to work this all out. I was told that there was no way I was getting back in to just forget it. Without any understanding of what this all really meant and with out any help from anyone I let her go.

About 5 years later I was living in another state when received a call from her mom. I was working midnights at the time so I was in bed. My wife answered and tried to get me up but it did not work. She went back to the phone to see if she could take a message but she said that she would call back. I tried to find out what was going on through a few friends I still had where they lived, but before they got back to me someone called me a few days later to say she had just passed away from cancer. I can not begin to tell you how I felt I had no Idea what I should do. I can’t begin to tell you what I was feeling she was gone and my child was with out her parents. How could I let this happen why was I so weak and so unable to do the right thing 5 years ago. Now what am I going to do!!! I know what I wanted to do was to go and get her no matter what. I wanted her with me! Unfortunately for me I signed a letter stating I would not come after her and try to get custody. I was so confused, so sad, so mad at my self for ever letting this happen. I wanted to see her so bad but how could I call them and let them know what I was thinking and how I felt when they just lost there daughter, I thought they would hate me even more for trying to come back just because of what had happened.  The only thing I had going for me was that she had a grandparents who I knew would love her and take care of her.

It's 14 more years later and I'm trying to get into her life she is now 20 years old. I found her on myspace, I saw a picture of her for the first time, since I saw a picture of her when she was only 2. She is so beautiful. Her aunt, her moms sister is very bitter and is telling her to have nothing to do with me. I had my chance and I threw it away. She is telling her that by seeing me she is tarnishing the image of her dead mother. I got the chance to meet her a few months ago and what a beautiful girl she has turned out to be. I am so thankful that her grandparents raised her so well. My meeting her has only infuriated her aunt even more and now my daughter won't speek to me or send me any e-mails. She has told me that she thinks her mom would want her to do what see wanted to do. She has also told me that this would be so much easier on her if her aunt would support her just as her grandparents have. I'm trying to remain strong but it is so hard. I don't know what to do.

I know that I’m supposed to forgive my self for what has happened but how do you do that? How can I take all the pain out of my heart? How do you forgive your self for hurting so badly one of the most important things in my life my child? How can I make her understand how sorry I am? I have explained to my other 3 kids that they have a sister that they never knew about. How do I make them understand how this has happened? How can I look them in the eye after I have talked so strongly about being responsible in everything you do in life?