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The following is an email that I have composed...I'm just not sure of whether or not to send it! I hate putting so much into email, but without the phone, and without seeing Chris very often right now, I don't feel like I have many choices!
Chris,
Yep, the other day was sooooo much fun....I have to thank you for doing what you did; I'm sure it wasn't exactly easy rearranging your schedule so we could still have a day together...it means a lot, and I don't think anyone else would've gone that far to make me happy. Love you...lol :)
Every time I'm with you I realize more and more how truly lucky I am...you are so fucking good in bed..I actually was feeling worn out a bit for once...lol...I guess I do have limits...I could've still gone on, there's not doubt about that, but I was feeling it on the way home. I was in bed by 9.... happy, satisfied. :)
But the best part was being able to talk to you; that was the most important thing. Knowing how you feel, and where we are in this is something that I need from time to time so that I can assess where I'm at, and where I need to be. I work much better within a solid framework rather than feeling like I'm guessing all the time. Having the boundaries clarified makes it easier for me moving forward. Some things are obvious, others not so much. Like I said, there wasn't any handbook that came with this, and it's going to be different for everyone, so being able to talk with you about those things let's me feel more in control, and makes doing this with you easier. I have a baseline for your comfort level now, and have been able to set mine as well.....so I'm much better now. You are obviously comfortable with just skimming the surface, and with this being a sexual affair rather than an affair of the heart, and I'm good with that.
Just to reiterate a few things as well; I am very happy with you...I think I always will be, I did just have a difficult week...I think you know I'm not always like this. (thank God)
One thing that I do want to discuss with you further when we next meet and have time is this; You stated that you would be open at some point to the idea of me having another lover for frequency purposes...you are right to be concerned with that part of things for me. I will be the first to admit that my appetites are huge right now, and that it would be difficult for any one man to keep up with the schedule I could set...lol...
I need to know under what circumstances you would be comfortable with that?...so be thinking about it; it's important. Your happiness is just as important to me as mine is to you. You would need to be entirely comfortable with this for it to work, and I wouldn't do it any other way.
I am also asking because while there is not anyone currently in the picture, and I'm certainly not looking actively, there is someone else on my radar...not anyone from MS or anything like that, but someone from 30 years ago...someone I once loved very deeply...and while it's not anything that will be happening anytime soon, there is a strong possibility for it in the future. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that he was a big part of the reason that I ended up on MS...the chemistry that I had with him is what I was looking for...because he was not interested in renewing our relationship 6 months ago when he first showed up, however, he has recently made it clear that he now is....but there are obstacles, and it will take time...I won't go into it now, but will let you know if anything more develops there.
If there's anything that I've said here that doesn't sit right, please let me know...like I said before, I'm not good at mind reading, and it's not ever my intention to make you uncomfortable, or to hurt you in any way...I haven't said many of these things before because of that, but moving forward, I need to say what's there, and you need to respond so that I know where you are at as well. Your happiness and comfort are very important to me.
Chris, I want you, love you, and yes...I even need what you give to me...
Have a great day...Babe... :)
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2007-12-28 08:15:30 | Rating: | Views: 144
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Dear 2nd Childhood --
Hello. I'm new to this site but have been reading your blog religiously for the past several weeks. You are a fantastic writer and I'm totally hooked. However I realize that this is not a story but real life ... your life. While not identical, my circumstances are similar to yours. Every emotion and feeling you write about I have felt. I so feel for you and all your going through (hug hug). While some might criticize and judge those who have affairs they do not walk in our shoes or know our circumstances.
Your life is in crisis and you are trying to deal the best way you can. Your hurt and with your husband there is no soft safe place to fall. Sex feels very good and for a moment takes away the pain and hurt ... in a similar way that alcohol and drugs numb the pain. But when the encounter is over the pain and all life's problems are still there.
You had spoken about seeing a counselor and I think that is a fantastic idea. I would not have gotten through the difficult times in my life without counseling. Having an impartial person to talk things over with is such a God send. It also saves a ton of emotional pain and hurt that results when we make a wrong choice in our lives. I agree with your family that you are in over your head. I have had the worst luck with married men. The "not being able to talk on the phone" is common to every married man I have met. Many wives go through their husbands cell phone records and a phone call has been the undoing of many men.
I just finished reading your post "to send or not to send". I think you have expressed your feelings honestly and I vote that you send it along to Chris. It's real, open and honest and what man wouldn't respect that.
PLEASE keeping writing. I have wanted to leave you a comment for so long and decided to join today so I could do just that. I will continue checking your blog to see how you are doing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2007-12-28 15:39:31
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"PLEASE keep writing" ... I'm new here and couldn't find how to edit my comment .....
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2007-12-28 16:15:49
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I have a question? I dont need or even want you to answer me, I want you to answer this for yourself.
Why would you have an affair with a married man? Do you feel you are not deserving?
Or would you say you do it because your heart is safe and you dont have to give your heart and soul completly?
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2007-12-29 02:14:32
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I wish I could say that I do it because my heart and soul are safer that way...but the opposite is true...I am so not safe...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2007-12-29 11:53:08
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From CD..."Sex feels very good and for a moment takes away the pain and hurt ... in a similar way that alcohol and drugs numb the pain. But when the encounter is over the pain and all life's problems are still there".
Bingo...talk about hitting the nail on the head! You are exactly right about this...but I didn't see it for myself...it's also the reason that the text, chat, and emails from Chris and others are so important to me. They keep those feelings going until I can have my "fix" again...when those other forms of communication fall short, I start to stress, and feel insecure...I'm suddenly not feeling so good, and the pain rises back to the surface...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2007-12-30 03:11:37
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