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I am so far behind writing here, that sometimes I think I will never catch up! I have several drafts that need to be finished, but just haven't had the laptop time needed to do it...so I have just decided that I will post when I can, and get to the rest later...
On to The Wedding;
Last night was an oh-so interesting night! We went to my nephew's wedding; hubby's side of the family. It was great fun....I love weddings! But it had a rough start...I had to work all day, so I was going to be about 30 minutes late to the wedding, I was going to meet Hubby and Son there. I got home to change and they were still at home! I had pressed and hung hubby's clothes in the closet for him; I made this nice and simple...he came out of the bedroom dressed in an old dress shirt that wasn't pressed, a pair of jeans, and his tennis shoes in his hands! OMG...This is an evening wedding, and while a tux or even a tie is not required, dress clothes are. So I had hubby change...he is sighing and bitching all the way....sheesh!
Fortunately the wedding is at a country club and not a church, so we are able to discretely slip in to watch the last half of the ceremony...we are all late...
It's very touching to watch...the Bride and Groom are so emotional, and are crying intermittently. I am listening to them saying their vows and am thinking about mine; I am wondering how we got so far from all that we promised. It makes me sad, and I am grateful that my tears are mistaken as being for others...
I see family and friends that I haven't seen in years....it's nice to hear the compliments and the positive reinforcement roll so easily off their tongues. It has been almost one year since I started, and I am at 74 pounds for my weight loss.
I am still a good wife in many ways...I am affectionate to hubby in public even though he does not return it...I compliment him in front of his friends and family; they will never know that there are difficulties. They see his life as good, and I am viewed as a loving, dedicated, faithful, hard working wife that is still in love with her husband.
The music and dancing start awhile later...I've had a few (2) glasses of wine, and the music is taking control of my feet...lol...I love to dance! I am tapping my toes, moving my hips, swaying to the music...I try to get hubby or son out on the dance floor; they are sticks in the mud so far.
Then a song comes on, and not just any song, but the song that my boyfriend says reminds him of me...we listen to it together, we have made love to it; it's our song. I would love to dance, but not to this one...I have the wrong partner here! Suddenly the most ironic thing happens...hubby stands and says he will dance to this one with me...I can't say no....the timing is sooooo bad....But I decide to enjoy it anyway...we are up there dancing, and while it's been years, it actually feels good to be in his arms...I am singing every word, swinging, spinning, and dancing...lol...then the slower part comes, and I am back in his arms...I close my eyes and can see my boyfriend...I take a peek...nope, still hubby...lol...but it doesn't matter anymore, I am happy to be doing something that I love so much...
After that I am dancing all night; hubby dances a few more with me, and my son finally gets on the floor too...and the boy can move; he can dance...and I love that he has such great social skills; He can talk, flirt, dance, and is a true gentleman. He is 6'1" with green eyes and brown hair, he just graduated with his BA degree at 21...I think he's a good catch! (just don't say that in front of my manicurist...lmao) He's so very handsome... :)
I dance with everyone and anyone; I feel so free out there, having so much fun...I can feel myself moving with the rhythm of the music and it's so natural for me...I could do this all night; and I almost do! I am feeling a bit wild and am a bit sweaty when I finally look over at our table. Hubby and son are watching and waiting....everyone else has left! The bridal party and me are about it...lol...and I still have energy to burn... :)
We go home finally...I am still high from the fun and the night...I check online to see who's out there; I am hoping for something from my lover, but there's nothing...Then I see James... :) It's his birthday today...I wish him Happy Birthday and ask what he did for his day....not much he says...then, "can I call you"? It's late, but I say yes...I tell hubby it's a work call and go out back. We talk for over an hour, he will be in town on Monday and we will see each other for the first time in 30 years...sheesh...glad I worked off those few extra pounds!
There's an ease between us now that's never been there before; this has developed over the course of this last year that we've been in contact. He is now separated from his wife and living in a neighboring state...a simple 5 hour drive...This ease also has to do with the history between us; we grew up in the same town, went to the same school, shared many of the same friends...it's so easy to laugh with him, and take those walks down memory lane from time to time...The words flow and it all seems so comfortable. This is in part because I no longer agonize about what may or may not happen with us. I have my boyfriend and am very happy with him, so if nothing were to happen, I would still be fine. He knows all of this too, but let's me know very clearly that he has an interest too. He says that he would be comfortable seeing me as either a friend or a lover...he is not ready to bring someone new into his life...
Things are very different with my boyfriend and I...we don't have the ease of history...there are barriers in place that keep us safe in this affair, and so it will never be what I might one day have with someone else.
But I feel like I don't want to fall in and out of love again...I've struggled so much with finding what I have, so I hope that James and I can just stay friends, and that what we once had and felt so long ago is done...I hope that I am ok and can keep my heart safe from him...it's barely scarred over from all that's happened...I want to feel warmth and friendship for him, and for him to seek only the same from me....Monday is so close...I guess we will find out...
The way the wedding night ended was different too; hubby and I climbed into bed...and he actually curled up and spooned with me! I felt so warm and loved falling asleep that way...it has been so long...
This was important because the nights are the hardest times for me. I feel lonely and isolated when I go to bed...I think about my Mom, and I think about my boyfriend while I look at my husband's back while he sleeps...this is the time when I think about how my husband never touches me, never says "I love you" to me, and it's the time when my hurt comes to the surface.
It's also the time when I think about how my boyfriend touches me, the pleasure his love brings to me, how he is so warm and caring and supportive. I think about how it feels to be in his strong embrace, how it feels to be cherished, appreciated, and treasured...to know that I am worthwhile and special...I think about how he kisses me so tenderly, kisses the top of my head, rubs his hands along my back, and tells me that he loves me...it's how it feels to be wanted...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-05-25 22:32:40 | Rating: | Views: 100
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2nd/ Read you Blog over again ,Sounds of pain.Kisses hugs tells ne that he lovesme .I don't mean to sound hurtful But you are in the wrong bed.
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Posted by shellyme
on 2008-05-25 23:15:42
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Shelly...not sure I follow you...sorry...which bed should I be in??? I don't even know...lol
Is it the one that I promised to sleep in "'til death do us part"? Is it the one that has the man that belongs to someone else, just as I do? Is it the one in the neighboring state with the old flame of 30 years ago that I have an ease and history with?
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2008-05-27 01:03:58
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