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The Mess I've Made

I am finding that my life at times has become disturbing to me…deeply disturbing…it wasn’t ever supposed to be this way, this wasn’t supposed to happen, not to me at least…
I sometimes sit and stare at the words I’ve written, at my truth and wonder how I ever got to this crazy place in such a short span of time! Less than a year…

Let me assure you that what I put here is the cold, hard, reality of my life. I have no other place to go where I can tell or put the whole truth…I know this after lying to my therapist the other day…and it’s difficult at times to push the “post entry” button, because I do read the comments…I know that others read this, and I am always afraid to disappoint people…but I have to have this somewhere…and here is as good a place as any, maybe even better because I have received so much support. I never dreamt in a million years that this would be my life, and that I would have support through these difficult days.

I sometimes cry at the mess I’ve made of everything, but mostly of myself; I am living a double life, and truly thought that the wheels would have fallen off it by now…but everyone is so oblivious…everyone is so busy…I sometimes think that if one person would slow down enough to stop and take a look at me…the real me, and would care enough to hold me everyday, tell me that I’m loved, tell me the lie that everything will be ok, tell me that they will be there…that this skewed version of me that’s come to exist would eventually fall away. But it doesn’t happen…

I am ashamed at what has happened with Chris and my relationship with him, at the fact that I can’t seem to make a clean break despite what he’s done. But let me assure you that I won’t be having sex with him again…I may take my pleasure from him, but I am waaaaayyyy to afraid to even think about completing the act with him. I will not risk my life and my health or that of anyone else’s for my own pleasure. This is where I draw the line…

When I first entered into this, I had thought that by finding a married man, a man in a 20+ year relationship that I would get something very different. I thought that this man would be consistent, dependable, reliable, and most of all safe. I didn’t want someone single because I feared that it would be what this has become…unstable, and unsafe. I avoided the “bad boys” and the “players” the ones that had NSA (no strings attached) in their profiles, because I knew that wasn’t what I was looking for…Chris seemed so nice, so kind…so normal! But he is a very selfish man, a very hurtful one, and he has a twisted sense of what love is. I know these things to be true now.
The surprising thing is that if you were to look at him, you would never guess…but I think the same thing is true of me; because no one has figured me out…

I don’t know how this will end with us, but I know that it will soon. When he realizes that we will not be fully intimate again, I’m sure it will be done. We have discussed ending it, moving on, and even another potential lover for me. We have discussed many things, and these discussions have helped to prepare me for what’s coming to a degree. But the empty spot in my heart keeps me going back for now, for what’s so sadly lacking…

I am meeting someone new despite my therapists’ suggestion to put the romance thing on hold. I just know that if I find someone new, someone that I can trust and like, that I can leave him behind…that it won’t hurt so much, and that there will be a certain measure of satisfaction in doing so. I know that he thinks that he loves me, and that if I leave it will hurt him to a degree…to what degree I can’t say, because he has sociopathic tendencies…he disengages emotionally when it’s convenient to do so, to take his pleasure despite the hurt and pain that he causes others. I find that I actually feel sorry for his wife…I think she must have no idea; at least I know the truth of what I have, and how dangerous he is.

So this new man that I’m meeting, I am meeting on Valentine’s Day…I hope that’s a good sign…we are having lunch in a local park. So far he seems so nice, and I like his sense of humor…he makes me laugh over simple and silly things. He seems sincere in what he’s looking for. He says he hasn’t met anyone yet, that I will be the first…it makes me feel rather jaded…

I am hoping that I can take a step back with him, that I can take my time, get to know him, spend some time with him that’s not sexually charged…that I can learn to be his friend before traveling that path again. Over the course of this past year, my drive is such that it has led me to become more bold, and more sexually aggressive…I am not afraid to make the first move…I have decided that I want to put all of that on hold…if I can! It sounds so nice to think that I could just hold hands with someone that I’m attracted to, just talk and share things with him, let the excitement build over time…for God’s sake get to know him! Time will tell if I am able to do all of this.

In the mean time, Chris and I have agreed not to see each other for the next week or so until his issues are resolved. He spent $900. To get tested for everything, to get a “just in case” shot, and is waiting for his results. I think that’s probably the most expensive “sexual contact” he’s ever had…I doubt that she was worth it.
The thought of it all sickens me…it makes me want to throw up…I know I will walk away soon…please have faith in me…