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So James and I met after a 30-year hiatus….
I have to say that it was surreal…I was nervous for a week ahead of time…he didn’t get nervous until the last minute…lol…we met at a restaurant for lunch during my break last Monday. He drove into town (6 hour ride) for his son’s high school graduation, and we agreed that it would be best to meet at the start so he could enjoy his time with his son unencumbered.
He is now separated from his wife and living in the next state; it’s much closer than the 1800 miles we started with a year ago. We have come a long way since then! We have kept in touch via email, text, chat, and phone calls; we have developed an easy friendship that is based on many things including our history, and the time that we spent dating…we can slip so easily into talk about anything…he knows about my marriage, my affair, and all that my life now entails…I know the same about him. We support each other and hold no judgment; we are not about that in any way. We are friends first; the very best of friends…
I brought clothes to change into at work as I didn’t want to show up looking anything less than my best…no matter what, I wanted him to think that I was attractive, to have regrets…lol…he has stated that he has them already, but I wanted to reinforce that idea in his head. I am so not sure how this will go…I am so nervous…but I also am able to tell myself that this will go however it goes; my affair and being in love with my boyfriend has given me the distance to be able to do this…if you had asked me a year ago I would have told you that I still had it bad for James…that perhaps I was even still in love with him. Now I know that I can be more objective. This is by far the greatest gift my affair has given me.
I change and am getting ready to go…I’m not having the best hair day…lol…but know that I look good, and figure that I am what I am, and that I can be happy however this goes, as I know that we will always be friends now.
I text him to see if he’s there when I am a few blocks away…he has stated so far that he is very calm about all of this…I am a wreck…lol…he answers that he is there as I pull into the parking lot…then he sends that he is now nervous…very nervous! I am laughing at that one now…I think for a minute about making him wait and just sitting in the parking lot to see if he breaks a sweat!...sheesh…
I have brought my yearbook, this is for two reasons; he no longer has his, and I want something to help break the ice and keep this going if need be. I know we only have an hour or so, but I hate uncomfortable silences! I start to walk to the restaurant…I get almost to the door and realize that I left my yearbook in the car…I am laughing at myself as I go back to retrieve it…
I open the door and walk in; he is in the bar area, and I see him right away…he looks great! We are sizing each other up as we move forward and hug…and then I realize that a very funny thing is happening…Nothing…lol…there is no heart pounding, adrenaline pumping, fireworks or thunder and lightening! OMG…I am so OK!!!
We go to a table that he has reserved already, and we sit to talk…he asks me first thing if he has met my expectations…lol…I tell him yes, but don’t get carried away…and I don’t ask him if I have met his…I am a chicken-shit!
It’s interesting to see what 30 years time and life have changed in us; he has less hair, and not just because it’s not 1978 anymore…lmao…and I’m certainly not a size 7 anymore…there are some things that I remember differently about him, as I’m sure there are about me as well. We are talking and mildly flirting…it’s so good to see him in person, and such fun to reminisce about the brief time we dated. We go through the yearbook, we laugh about all the hair and clothes…it’s a different world now. After about an hour it’s time for me to go…we walk outside, and realize that I have parked right next to him… I offer him my yearbook…he can borrow it for a while…I know that we will see each other again soon. I don’t know when, but know without a doubt that it will happen.
We hug good-bye and go…I can’t tell you how exhilarated and excited I am as I drive off! This was truly painless!!! I feel so fucking free…I have closure, my heart is in tact; while he was nice and good-looking nothing flip-flopped!!! OMG!!! So I am driving back to work…singing out loud in my car…smiling and laughing…this is unbelievable for me…I get back to work and one of my employees comments that I look like a cat that just ate a bird…shit….I might as well have with the way I feel…
So I now know that I am happy enough in my affair to be safe from this, from him. This is good…but I am thinking that it was hard to read how he felt…didn’t think about that part…lol…so I figure moving forward that I will just play it as we have been; that we are friends. We text and talk a few times the next few days…I let him know that my hubby and boyfriend will both be out of town in a few weeks…it’s suggested that I come to visit him…sure why not? I tell him that I will bring our other yearbooks; I have them all, and he says that it’s ok, he thinks that we will have plenty to do without pouring over all of them…hhhhmmmm…what does he think we will be doing?....Uh-Oh…he then says that his son may be visiting him that week and may put a damper on things; I let him know that I am good doing whatever and it’s not a big deal to me if he is comfortable with us both there.
A few more days pass…he let’s me know that he will actually end up with all of his kids (he has 4) that week; so I tell him that I will just come another time. He states that he is sure that he will be back here sometime soon anyway…it’s all good with me. A few more days pass…I am having a rough week…some separation anxiety about hubby, my boyfriend, my best friend, and my therapist all being gone the same weeks…I will truly be alone…visiting James would have been a nice break for me, but now that’s not a go either…my boyfriend and I had a bit of a spat…and he was supposed to be in chat that night…he wasn’t able to make it…so I have a few glasses of wine…this is all playing on me…I see James in chat but take a pass on it at first…then I figure WTF…why not…?
So I contact him…he is happy to see me and makes me laugh right off the bat…he uses a term of endearment in passing and I don’t think much of it…he is such a good friend to me…he advises me about my situation with hubby; he always has very solid advice there…he encourages me to try and work things out, and not to make rash decisions. He tells me how difficult his separation is…
It’s getting late and I know I need to get to bed; he has worked all day and needs to be up early too. As we are winding down the terms of endearment are suddenly flowing from him…he uses the pet name he had for me so long ago…BIG UH-OH…he let’s me know that he is without a doubt interested…sheesh…now this was something that I didn’t anticipate! Yes, I wanted him to have regrets…but not a serious interest! A year ago yes…now…not so much! Or so I think…
Now I am confused…see how easily this happens to me? I thought I was so safe, and so far I still am…but will this have staying power for me?
Today my boyfriend and I had another spat…the biggest one we’ve ever had…and so I backed away…big time…told him that I wouldn’t see him tonight…he feels that I’m too attached to him, and that some emotional separation is needed. For me the physical and emotional are tied together, I can’t separate the two. How can I see him, be intimate and passionate with him, and not feel anything? When I say that he panics…omg…says he would rather have me be too attached than not to see me…this is almost funny…but during the interim hours while this is playing out via text, I am thinking that I have another option…my boyfriend has no idea that I have met this man again…only that he exists…
So I agree to see him briefly…we will have 4 hours on Wed. and that’s a rarity, but one that we are both looking forward to…we meet and he is going nuts…he is sorry, he doesn’t want to do without me…he loves and is in love with me…he is so sweet…lol…this is killing me…
But now James is on my radar too…I know that we will go to our 30 year reunion in July together…as friends…what I don’t know is what may or may not develop…what his true interest is, and how I may feel about it all by then…
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-06-03 02:10:40 | Rating: | Views: 93
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