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August 5, 2008.
This will be forever ingrained in my life as the day that I tried, and I failed...How things went so horribly wrong I can't say, I only know that they did.
In the weeks preceding this I had been consumed with such dark and ugly thoughts...I had so many moments when I felt that all was hopeless, that I would never be happy again, that I didn't have the answers to any of life's questions. Each day was filled with an emptiness, a sadness...I would cry and cry... I wanted so badly to escape...and I began to think about escaping another way; the way into the darkness...it seemed so welcoming compared to what I was feeling each day...I didn't tell anyone I was having these thoughts or feelings, because I knew that there'd be consequences for saying those things out loud...you never say that stuff out loud. So I lived in the darkness by myself, and each day I would manage to pull myself out just enough to keep from slipping into that vast vortex...
I thought of my kids and my parents, and I knew that I couldn't commit the ultimate selfish act...
When I got up that morning I had no big plans...there's always people in the house, so even though I was off work, I figured that I would just do what I always do. I would hike, and then do chores so that things weren't such a mess here. But then a funny thing happened; fate intervened. Hubby decided to leave with friends for the day, and all the kids ended up at work...amazing...a day to myself! But my thoughts quickly turned in another direction...I had something that I hadn't had in a long time; opportunity, the opportunity to escape. I had taken some things over to my BF's apt. about a month prior...I knew that eventually I'd leave, and that it would be soon....I just didn't know when.
My heart and my mind were racing as I began to think of actually doing this! I began to grab my things...the important stuff. My Grandmother's antique jewelry boxes, photos, credit info, contact info, clothing etc. I was moving as fast as I could, afraid that someone would come home, that something would happen and I'd be stuck again. As I came closer to having all that I felt I needed, my feelings became overwhelming...I sat down on the sofa and looked around. I saw my home, all that I had worked so many years for, pictures of my family, momentos from birthdays and holidays, and anniversaries past...all of the things that I loved so much. I thought of the kids, my parents, my cats, my plants...silly things and the most important things all jumbled together in my mind. I suddenly didn't know if I could do this! I was terrified...but knew that I wouldn't have another opportunity like this again for a long time. I looked at the house again; it was a mess...it was all left for me to clean on my day off again...I thought about the empty, dark, lonely feelings I was struggling with each day...now I was torn...I didn't know what to do...I began to cry, to sob...I felt like the clock was ticking....and I was frozen...my heart was pounding, I felt so confused!
I called my therapist...I didn't know who else to call or talk to...I told her what I was doing, and how I was feeling; that I was paralized with indecision...and she said something that made a difference for me. She said only to think of it as temporary...not that I'm leaving forever, but that I'm just taking a "break". A much needed and deserved break. I could do that! I could live with that much easier than the idea that I'd never return, that I'd forever change the landscape of my life...
The funny thing in all this is that I felt badly leaving the house a mess...I wanted to clean it before I went out the door...but I felt time was pressing at my back. So I threw the last of my things in my car and drove away...I felt so sad driving down my street, my neighborhood...but I sucked it up...there was no other way that I could see...
As I drove the 40 minutes to my BF's apt. I was truly in turmoil...I was vacillating between being so incredibly sad, and suddenly feeling so free! But the sadness at times would start to overwhelm me...I talked to myself, I told myself not to fall apart now, that I could do it later. There was still much for me to accomplish that day.
So I didn't cry...I got there and unloaded my things...I had taken more than I thought...lol...
I unloaded my laptop; I had to finish the letter to hubby....I knew that he would be home in a few hours and would start to look for me...I wanted to avoid talking to him at all costs...the plan was not to answer when he called, but to text him that he had mail, and wait for the world as I knew it to end...I poured a glass of liquid courage...
An hour later I finished the following;
D*****,
I can't tell you in words how painful it is for me to write this letter, and to do this...
It is my hope that this is temporary, but it may very well be permanent…only time will bear that part out.
I have not told anyone that I'm doing this, that I am taking a break here…the kids don't know, my parents, or anyone. Just you and I. We need to work through this as best we can without making it more difficult than it is for the kids; they are the ones that I truly worry about. We can discuss how and when to explain it all to them.
I am staying with *** for the time being.
We have both been unhappy for a while now, me more so than you, and for longer than you. The air hangs thick with tension between us and all the things we don't say…or maybe all the things that I never have said…and that was my first mistake. I learned early in our marriage that it was easier to suck everything up and just take care of it all and rarely complain…to do everything myself rather than battle for the smallest things…I have always taken the path of least resistance, I don't like to or want to fight, and now I am emotionally bankrupt…
I'll be the first to admit that I've made many mistakes, huge mistakes…especially this past year. I am so not perfect. I will take responsibility for those mistakes as I go, but this is not about mine; I know my flaws very well…you point them out to me constantly.
This is about giving you some understanding as to what went wrong and why…and there's much that goes into all of this, and I could write a book about it all…but that's not the purpose behind today.
So here I go;
This past year has been one of change and introspection for me as you well know. My Mom's diagnosis has made me re-evaluate my life and ask some very hard questions. If I only have a limited amount of time here, how do I want to spend it? Am I happy with where I am and what I have? What would I change or do differently? These are just a few of the questions. This has been a mind-fuck year for me.
These questions are what led to my weight loss, that and trying to find a way to deal with my pain in regards to watching one of the people I love the most in the world die...
I could have done many things, but I chose to try and remake myself inside of all of this.
There have been a few turning points this year for me in regards to us and our marriage as well. They are the reasons that I am doing this. I will explain as best I can, it's the least that I owe you after 27 years.
Through this process I have tried to make changes with you. But I have not had the emotional energy or stability to beg, or pry, or twist or turn to make them happen.
The first turning point came the first time that we had sex after my Mom's diagnosis; I told you that night that I wasn't ready to give up that part of our lives yet, that it made me feel more alive, and that I needed you and to be touched. But after that things went right back to as they were. You are content with your zoloft and your internet girlfriends...I am not your choice anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I hoped with the weight loss that you would gain interest again, but that didn't happen…you couldn't even acknowledge that I look better, or tell me that I looked pretty, you gave me nothing… We had sex exactly 3 times last year, and I came to realize that you are not interested in me physically anymore.
The next one came one day when I stood in the kitchen falling apart...crying over my Mom and all that was happening. You stood on the other side of the counter watching me...you didn't even come around to try and hug me and tell me the lie that everything would be ok...or that you were there for me, and loved me. Instead you suggested that I take the kleenex box into the bedroom for a good cry to get some of it out of my system! I couldn't believe what was happening in that moment. But I kept my silence...I came around and hugged you, but it felt mechanical...I felt like you were just waiting for me to finish so that you could go back to whatever you were doing before. I talked to DD about it because I was so hurt...she told you that you needed to be there for me since she couldn't be...but nothing changed.
Granted there have been several times when you have sat there and listened to me; but you never touch me...I touch you, I kiss you, I hug you, I tell you that I love you...I don't get it back unless I make the first move. I am the person that you are supposed to love more than anyone else in the world...how can you be so distant from me and my hurt, my feelings, my emotions? I don't understand, because if it was you, you know that I would be there heart and soul for you. You are not interested in me emotionally either.
The next one? This one I know you remember...the day you asked me who had been banging their cock into my mouth. You try and act like it's funny, like it's a joke...but it's not. You know it and I know it. This is how you speak to the mother of your children? To the person who has been faithful to you for 27 years, to the person who you are supposed to love so much, to the person that works so hard to support the family, keep a nice home...I could go on and on...but you know all that I do. That was mean-spirited...but then I asked you if you just wanted me to be fat and ugly the rest of my life and you said "yes". And I asked why, and the answer became crystal clear. You said "because then you won't leave me". That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my life! You cannot support my efforts at improving myself because you are so insecure! Rather than tell me that you are proud of all that I've accomplished, or tell me that I'm still attractive to you (or better yet, show me) you would tear me down because you are afraid. I thought about that statement for a long time afterwards...I would like to say that I came to the conclusion that it was sweet that you were so worried about keeping me...but then I looked at the whole picture; you have no physical or emotional attachment to me, so why are you worried about me leaving? I'll tell you why. Because I am the mortgage payment, I am the house keeper. I do it all; I shop, pay bills, work on the new business, hold down a job, clean and scrub toilets and floors, do laundry, I mow the lawn sometimes even...no wonder you want me here! You have had nothing but your prospecting to worry about for the last several years.
And yes, I know there's the H****** money, and I won't deny for a minute that it's helped; but if you add it all up, it doesn't stack up next to what I have brought in through hours, days, weeks, months, and years of hard work…I have been given nothing. And the H****** money doesn't cook or clean, it isn't my partner…
This leads me to the next turning point; last year when I told you that I didn't want to go back to work, but that one of us needed to for the new business to fly. Oh-My-God! This was probably the biggest one for me… You made a token effort with P** V****. You walked around here like your Mother was dying afterwards! Everyone who knows us commented on it, including your own friends and children. This was going to interfere with your prospecting and your cushy lifestyle! You acted like someone had told you they were going to have to cut off your left nut. Jesus Christ! Here I am with everything going on with my Mom, with the new business, with my mind-fuck...and you can't even be a man and just suck it up and do the right thing. You have to mope around and get depressed; you sigh out loud and make everyone else miserable. Unbelievable. So I go back to work again...I so wanted to stay home, the thought of being able to spend more time with my Mom, to work my way through all of this, to be taken care of, was so important to me.
But D*****, no one takes care of me.
It's funny because I had mentioned to your sister how upset you were over the things I had done to my face last fall, and talked a little with her about how I was struggling with your emotional distance from me. I hoped that coming from the same background she could give me some insight... I told her this when we were hiking awhile back. So when you were at her house working on the kitchen she called me one day and we were talking, she started to tell me how it was so nice to spend time with you. She told me that she had forgotten how sensitive you were about things, and how much of a gentleman you were. How you wouldn't let her do certain things....I know she was trying to remind me of that part of you...unfortunately it backfired, and became the next turning point. Because I haven't had that man for years. I know that he's there, because I see him with M*******, and D*****, and S****, and your Mom...but he doesn't come out for me. He let's me do everything. Lift heavy things, move things, do whatever needs to be done. He let's me juggle BBQing and several side dishes and then serve them all up while he watches TV and waits for it to come...this after I've worked all day. He leaves messes all over the house; just look in the computer room or the TV room to see how he lives. He will leave dishes in the sink for days until I get to them, he will leave poop on the toilet for weeks until I scrub it, he will walk by overflowing trash and let me take it out, he will spill coffee on the floor the morning after I scrub it and keep on walking, he leaves overflowing ashtrays, half-empty soda cans, dirty dishes, socks, shoes, prospecting stuff, and whatnot all over the house for me to pick up and clean. He won't go to the grocery store if we need anything, but will tell me what's missing and get upset if I forget something. He won't go anywhere with me, not even to Home Depot. He is not a good partner to me.
You don't have the kids to take care of anymore...there is no excuse for things to be this way.
I am tired D*****...I am tired of being alone, of being lonely, of feeling like there's no one on my side.
What do I have here? What reason do I have to stay? I am finding none, and know that I don't want to spend my time left here alone, DS will leave one day soon and then it's just you and I…and I feel like I've been alone for a long time now. I have done so much on my own; I went to school functions, did birthday parties, and parent teacher meetings on my own, I Christmas shopped, and worked, and went places and did things on my own because you never wanted to go. I bought, brought home, and decorated the Christmas tree last year and the year before by myself. I put up the decorations by myself, I wrapped by myself, I cooked the meals by myself. I did everything for DS's 21st birthday party by myself; this after getting back from taking care of DD when she was so sick this last summer.
I may not be abused, but I'm certainly neglected, and I'm fucking tired of it. I look to the future and see one where I am spending the rest of my time working and supporting you…while you play and have fun…I can shop, pay bills, and clean on my days off, while you prospect and have fun…I want your life! I want to be taken care of!!!
But I guess the saddest thing is that at this point I no longer want you to do those things with me. You have hurt me immeasurably this last year during my biggest time of need. I can only think that you have no idea of my pain, of how hard this thing with my Mom has hit me, of how much I cry and hurt, of how I have to pay someone to listen to me and help me to understand.
You are so distant from everyone that doesn't suit your purposes. You are fine on your own, and don't realize that other people are not like that. Other people need contact, need communication, and need others. You don't call or keep in touch with anyone; not your own Mother or Daughter or family. You call your BF more than you call them. He suits your purposes.
I don't suit your purposes anymore other than for what I do to make your life easier; again, you have no physical or emotional interest in me.
So in the course of the last year, I have distanced myself physically and emotionally as well. You are noticing that I am finding other ways to fill my time, and you are wondering about that. I will clarify for you now that there is no one else; there never has been. That's not what this is about. I also have to wonder, as you have mentioned to others this mysterious boyfriend that you seem to think I have; if that's what you truly think, then why haven't you done something about it? If that's what you are so worried about, then why not spend more time with me? Why not make sure that I know that you love me, want me, and need me? That's what a normal guy would do. But you do nothing but give me the evil eye and ask where I've been. I've been nowhere Dear...not once. I never got you trained, so I'm not about to try this again. I am better off on my own for now, I am happy with me.
You wonder about what I do on my laptop all the time, and I will tell you now…I write…all the time, every chance that I get. I write all the things that I can never say out loud. I write about my pain and my emotions and my frustrations, I write about the things that make me happy…it's another form of therapy. I have written volumes in the past year and a half…I can't even tell you how much… It's how I work through things…
You know that I kept diaries and have done a journal or two along the way, and you would read those things and either get angry, or make fun of them…so I have no desire to share those things with you, or even to have you know about them, and that's why the privacy.
There's of course other stuff too that's no big deal; email, bill pay, interesting websites etc.
So here is what I am proposing for the time being. I truly don't want to hurt DD and DS with this; I've said nothing about where I am with things…and as I've said, I hope that this is only temporary…
I will still pay the bills and take care of us in that regard until this is resolved, but the house is now your responsibility. I will deposit every other paycheck of mine towards the bills, but you will need to fill in the gaps. The kids are all paying rent now, so that helps, but there's still much to cover for. I will send you a break down of it all later tonight. I am being honest when I say that our lifestyle by far outstrips what I make; that has been the case for years…I have never said anything, but instead have just tried to juggle what I could, and that's my mistake. But it also doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that there's no way I could make enough to cover our life; a simple case in point:
In a month;
Insert an overview of ugly finances here...
So you can see I'm sure that we are swimming towards disaster…life has gotten more expensive, and we have not altered our lifestyle. We have many nice things, and are very comfortable, but cannot afford to keep going the way that we are. I know that you will be miserable when you have to give some of these things up; it's just how you are. I feel sometimes like I am living with a 5 year old….if you do not have all your toys and your things that you want, you throw a tantrum…but tantrums are only effective if someone is there to watch, and I'm not anymore…you will have to work through this on your own.
We can no longer be a single income family, so you will need to find a way to make something else happen…you are a smart man D*****, there's no reason you can't do this. I have a full time job.
A few things in looking to our future; I have to say as much as it saddens me that the new business thing probably won't fly…with the housing market as it is, we are probably close to flat and we still need to do the refinance. We probably won't be able to get a loan. In some ways maybe it's a blessing; I know that we were both counting on it, but in hindsight I see so many small businesses struggling and closing up shop…some of the areas we were looking in look to be dead ends for several years at this point…what looked great and exciting 6 months ago is now a realtor's and business person's nightmare now…
But I can see potential in a home business of some sort, an internet type thing…the possibilities are endless and it's the way that things are going now…corporations are not so great to work for anymore.
Well, I've gone on enough for now…but on a final note;
I prefer to communicate with you through email at this point. I know you think emotions are so much drabble, but you can be a hard and cold man…you see things as only black and white, and me? Well, I don't see, I feel…and right now I don't have the emotional energy for a knock down with you, so I won't go there. I know the email thing will be harder for you, but you know that I don't care if things are spelled correctly, or whatever…as long as I understand the point that's all that matters. Email also allows for some distance, and I need distance and time…it will allow us to think before responding so that we hurt each other less through this process…so that is what I want. I have given everyone all that they wanted and have taken care of everyone's needs for 27 years…so please try and be charitable to me in this regard.
Please be kind to the kids no matter how angry, hurt, or frustrated you are…this is not their fault…
Me
I sat there looking at it, knowing that once I pushed send I couldn't take it back...but I was already gone...and knew that I didn't want to talk to him, so this was the only alternative. I pushed send...
I spent the next few hours unpacking and putting things away. Looking at my surroundings and thinking that this would be my safe place in all the craziness that was about to happen. By BF is texting with me; he is being supportive as best he can. James calls me...he understands and is on my side...
Then about 4ish the phone rings; it's him. I push "ignore"...I'm trying not to panic again...
15 minutes later it rings again...I send the "you have mail" text...sheesh...I am shaking now...more liquid courage...I get back "wtf"?...I wait...then he asks me to call, he wants to know what the deal is...I tell him I don't know what else I can say that I haven't already at this point...he says he's so confused...he has no mail! It's not there...OMG...technology is letting me down in my moment of need...I double check; yep, right email address...right person...lol...it was sent a few hours before...then he asks me to call again, says he can't so this via text...then "I'm not as strong as you think I am"...shit...I don't know what to do!!!
We go back and forth a bit more...he still has no mail, no explanation...I finally decide that I have to call....I don't want to do this; I know that he can cut me to the bone with his voice, his words...the written word is my format and my friend...it gives me the buffer I feel that I need.
So I call...we talk for a few minutes, and I try and explain as best I can that I need some time away; that I may or may not come back; I've had enough. We are communicating more than we have in years...saying what is there, what is true...he tells me that he's been having sucidal thoughts lately! What's he so fucking depressed about???
Suddenly his tone is changing...he wants me home; now he can't do this via the phone. I find out later that my email had gone through finally, and he had been reading it while we talked...but I don't know that, so I refuse...then he says "then I might as well put a gun to my head and be done with it...that's preferable to going through this"...I tell him not to be stupid...he says to come home if I ever want to see him again...he hangs up. FUCK!
I call back...no answer...now the adrenaline is running....I have no idea what to do...will he really do something to hurt himself??? Am I willing to take that risk??? I call my therapist...she tells me to just call in the police...to tell them what he said, and send them to the house to check on him...sheesh...I have visions of them showing up hours later...too late...
I call him again....he answers...he's in his truck...I can hear the background noises. I ask where he's going; "somewhere"..."where"? "somewhere that I want to be"...this is a man that knows this state like the back of his hand...he's been in every nook and cranny of wilderness there is...he could be going anywhere...I try and tell him not to do anything...to go back home. He tells me to go there and then call him....he hangs up on me...
I call my Son; he's at the house. I ask if he saw his Dad leave...he says yes, he grabbed his gun and went out the door... DOUBLE FUCK!
Now my heart is pounding...I know that I have to go home...I have no choice, because I have children, and because I have a heart. I tell my Son what's going on as quickly as I can...I tell him to call his Dad.
I grab a few things and leave the apt...what was going to be my new home... :(
This is all surreal...
As I am driving towards home I try and call my Daughter...she has no idea what's going on and I know that she of all people can keep her Father in tact...no answer...I try her finacee...nope, no luck there...I dial 911...I tell them what's happened, and hope that they can maybe find hubby before he gets out of town, before he gets really stupid. I call DD again...still nothing...I am driving, crying, calling, texting...telling anyone that I text with no more contact...that I will contact them...to be honest, I still have no idea to this day how I got safely home...
I call DD again, and a funny thing happens; she is talking, but it's like I interrupted a conversation she was having...I say "hello"?...she's still talking to someone else...I say it again...then she says "Mom"? How did you get on my phone? She had been talking with her finacee on her phone when this small miracle happened; somehow, someway, we connected in the middle of all this...
I tell her what's happening...and to go to the house...that she needs to call her Father...we hang up...
I call DS to see if he's talked to his Dad; he has...he is crying...he begged him to come home, and DH has said that he's on the way...I ask if the police are there, they are supposed to be sending a unit to the house. I don't want to be there unless they are...I know how ugly this is all getting...they are not there yet...
I pull over a few blocks from the house and call DS again...the police are there...I haven't heard back from DD so I know that she's talking to her Dad...so DS and the police are at the house, DD and DH and I are all on our way there...I can't tell you in that moment how hard I hurt...the angst I felt...
as I'm heading the last few blocks to the house, DS and I are still on the phone...DD had arrived and pulled up across the street...she is on her phone with DH still...she sees the police and knows what I know as well...that when DH sees them he will keep going...about 30 seconds later he is coming down the street...he blows right by them...she pulls out behind him, and the police are now following...DS is giving this to me on the phone...I am on my way....OMG...now I am terrified...my heart is being shattered into a million pieces...I am envisioning the worst; a high speed chase that ends so badly...
I get to the house...the police are gone, only DS is there...the good news is that DH saw DD behind him...he won't endanger her...he turns right instead of left...he stays residential instead of going into rush hour traffic...the police get him to pull over safely. DD runs over to him...the police try to stop her, but they can't...she's too fast...she and the police are talking to him...they want him to relinquish his weapon. He refuses...he doesn't have to give it up. He is still within the law...he is smart and knows what he can and can't do, can and can't say...
The police send DD over to the house; they are only a few blocks away...she comes home to wait while they are talking to him. They send officers to our home to exchange more information...they tell me that if I want to take some things with me and go, that I can do it now while he's busy...I say that I already have everything that I need. They make sure that the kids don't know where to find me if I leave again either; no more drama...hubby can't force them to tell anything. They don't know, he doesn't know. Not a last name or an address for my BF, They are all clueless.
Hubby agrees to talk for a bit with a crises counselor on site. They say it will be about an hour and then they will release him. I am now at another crossroads; do I stay or do I go? Everything in me is screaming for me to leave again...this is my chance, my one opportunity to have the freedom that I so want!...But the kids...OMG...they are looking at me, my DD's eyes accusing me of hurting us this way...they both have fresh tears...even as adults this impacts them far greater than I imagined that it would. I make the mistake of asking them if I should stay or go...
I am hoping that they realize how hard this has been for me too, how much I am angry, and hurt, and desperately in need of this...how lonely and empty and lacking my life has been...
But of course they can only see their Father's pain and hurt, his is much more obvious...they fear that if I leave, if I'm not there when he gets back, he will truly do something stupid...and I fear the same.
I can't leave them holding the bag with the remnants of my marriage. I can't leave them to babysit their Father so that I can have what I want and need...I just can't...I love them both so much; they never asked for this...this is not their fault...
And so once more I make a decision based on what will make everyone else happy, I choke back my tears, my pain, my anger, my hurt, my frustration...I shove the last 27 years of my life back down inside me again...I know that I may never do this again...that I may never get up the nerve for it...I know that I will probably be stuck forever here...OMG...I can't think about that now...because surely it will take me back to the dark place that I have lived in the last few weeks...I know that I am sacrificing my happiness for theirs...but they are my children, and I love them above all else...
And so I stay :(
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-09-27 10:15:21 | Rating: | Views: 38
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It saddens my heart that you find yourself in this difficult complicated situation. Much to serious a matter for any comment from the peanut gallery. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-09-28 12:08:32
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CD,
You have NEVER been a member of the peanut gallery; you are a sage and valued friend...I will always welcome your feedback be it good or bad...you are appreciated here. :)
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2008-10-17 02:54:49
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