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I am finding a rather curious thing happening here as I go along…this isn’t really the main topic of today, but I thought I’d just throw it in here as it doesn’t warrant an entry on its own.
What’s happening is that I thought that when I started this that I would run out of things to say…eventually I might, but I thought I’d be there by now with being caught up to the present as I am. But what’s happening instead is that I feel like my mind is getting backlogged! I have more that I’d like to put here, more entries in my mind than I ever thought I would. I guess I do have a lot to say…lol…but I’m picking and choosing since I don’t have time for them all…but I also figure I can add as I go if need be.
On to today’s topic; Red Flags. I believe that there are red flags that we come across in our daily lives that are indicators to what is really happening. Most of us choose to ignore them unless they are the proverbial elephant in the living room. That’s why hindsight is truly 20/20; because we allow it to be. I am just as guilty as anyone in regards to doing this.
The biggest red flag that I’ve had in regards to my relationship with my husband was this;
The year was 1982. We had barely been married for a year when I gave birth to our daughter. During the course of my pregnancy, my husband became distant; he slept on the sofa for the first time then. He was uncomfortable with the changes in my body and me. I have to admit that I was too, and the hormones were out of balance…I didn’t know what to do; I was hurt. The week that I was due to have her, I went to the Doctor on a Wednesday; Sunday was Mother’s Day and I wanted nothing more than for this to be over, and to be a new Mom. He told me that wasn’t going to happen, that I was no where near ready…I cried on the way home…but then on Thursday night the pains started…I was so happy, I thought it would be over soon…lol…my hubby did stay with me, he did try to help me, but he was so inadequate. But I was grateful to have him there and so forgave him his inexperience. I did not actually have my daughter until Saturday morning…OMG…it was a very long, arduous process, a true “labor”. I was exhausted, but again grateful; she was healthy and beautiful, and I was a MOM, on the day before Mother’s Day!
So friends and family came by, and it was wonderful …
Then Mother’s Day happened.
I waited for my husband to show up, I was learning to breastfeed the baby, and had plenty to do; I figured we would spend the day together with our new daughter… He finally showed up in the late morning, with a single red rose. I was still emotional, and was so happy that he was there, and the rose was such a nice touch…then I noticed how he was dressed…my husband’s biggest hobby is gold prospecting…and he was dressed to prospect, not spend the day in the hospital with his wife and new daughter. OMG…. and then I see them out of the corner of my eye…his friends are in the hallway waiting for him! They didn’t even have to balls to come in the room…
So here I am, a new Mom, my first Mother’s Day, in the hospital…I can’t believe this…fucking incredible…so I ask him what the deal is; why are these guys lurking in the hospital hallway, and why is he dressed to prospect? He starts to tell me that this is a daytrip that has been planned for the last 6 weeks and that he couldn’t exactly call it off…unbelievable…un-fucking-believable! So I pointed out that we had had this baby planned for 9 months! Hellloooo??? He didn’t get it…ok…he did get it, but didn’t care enough to stay, despite my tears. So I sat there on my bed, with tears in my eyes, a new baby to care for by myself, and I let him go.
I could have said no…but I knew if I did that he would either argue with me, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared for that, or he would have stayed and been miserable, and made me miserable…so I let him go…RED FLAG!
This was the first big indicator of his selfishness. His wants would always come before my wants and needs…I would always be second to other things….
So after our daughter was born and I went home, I set about trying to be a good wife and mother…but things were stressful financially, so we both had to work. He began working days, and I started working nights. We did the baby pass off; no daycare for my girl! I lost all the baby weight in a few months, and was feeling better; but hubby still didn’t seem to be interested! I didn’t know what to do…
Things remained strained for months…we never saw each other; we weren’t having sex hardly at all…I was only 22…but then something happened at work. I began to look, to notice, to connect with both some of the men and the women there. I developed friendships, and began spending time with them outside of work. We would get done about 1:30am and would go workout at the gym, or go for coffee, or just hang out. It was such great fun! I finally had some friends!
One of them was a 19 year old man…yep…he started paying attention to me, saying and doing things that my husband never thought to do. He told me that I was pretty, that he was attracted to me, that I was fun…I can’t remember how the first kiss started, but it happened, and a four-month affair ensued. We only had sex a few times, we spent much time just playing, having fun, and flirting, but there was passion, there was heat…and I was falling for him. He was much smarter than me. He was single, and had no desire to break up a marriage, so he ended it, and it was very difficult for me. I went back to my reality; my distant husband…my lackluster life.
This is what I also remembered when I first went looking last summer for someone else. I remembered what it felt like to have someone care for me, and for my happiness…this is the only other affair I have had…
The reason that this is at the top of my mind today is this; I think there are some obvious red flags being generated by my behavior since all of this started, but I also think that hubby has pretty much ignored them so far. But I feel that he may not be so much anymore...I could be just experiencing a little paranoia...but it's hard to say, so I am exercising due caution...
What happened today was this; I read..I always have and always will...I love a good book, and keep one on the nightstand to read each night. Since starting this endeavor I have found myself in the very un-cool self-help section of the bookstore more and more often...lol...
A month ago I was reading "The Erotic Silence of the American Housewife"...this is a book about why married women have affairs. This sat on the nightstand, and was carried around the house by me while I read it...now I would think that the average man would have noticed the title at some point and wondered what it was about...maybe read the jacket, or ask the wife? But mine is so out of touch...so oblivious...he never notices me or anything attached or close to me! So I didn't give it a second thought...lol...sheesh...
Then today I was reading in the living room...I just started "I Am Not Myself These Days"...I fell asleep at some point...reading is very relaxing for me :) but then hubby walked by, and in the haze of my sleep I peek my eyes open to see why he's stopped in front of me...he picks up my book, reads the title, looks at the back, and sets it back down. I asked him what he wanted, and he didn't answer...just walked into the other room...go figure. But then I start to think; he's never looked at what I'm reading...and if this had been the other book, would he have questioned it? What's going through his mind now??? He's also been spending more time in the public rooms of our home rather than locked up in the computer room playing his guitar...he usually does that for hours...so what's the sudden interest???
He should also be asking himself what am I doing on the computer all the time??? lol...if he could just read this...or see my email, or find my chat logs...I would be so dead...but I am very much alive, and it feels so good to be so bad....
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-01-01 22:18:11 | Rating: | Views: 92
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You're a bad person. That is really all I can think to say. Do you have any idea how hard it is to grow up like that?
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Posted by Chance777
on 2008-01-01 22:45:28
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Okay whoever posted that first comment is ridiculous and out of line because no one else has the right to call someone else a bad person, especially one you vaguely know on the internet. I'm all for faithfulness and giving things a chance, but marriage is a partnership in which your husband doesn't seem to be pulling his weight. It was an incredibly selfish thing for him to do on Mother's Day, I myself wouldn't have just let it go at that. But I half think that you should have just left your husband when you were with the other guy. You need someone who isn't going to put themself first all of the time, someone who will give you the attention you deserve, and to take an interest in what you do (not just because he is suddenly suspicious of something).
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Posted by yellowPeachX
on 2008-01-03 20:38:05
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