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Personal Responsibility

I have been thinking much lately about my personal responsibility for my situation. I've had a few conversations with my therapist and others regarding this...and it's funny because other people seem to view it all so differently! I always try and take responsibility for the mistakes I make, and the things I do wrong; this is important...how can you ever become a better person if you don't own up to what's yours? I apologize, correct things where I can, and try not to make the same mistakes.

So here's my take regarding my responsibility for me;
I have in many ways let my situation become what it is. I have let my husband train me instead of training him from the beginning! When my earning power became greater than his, we made the decision for him to stay at home with the kids...and I was ok with that. What happened that wasn't ok is that he never did the other things that staying at home should have been a part of. He never cooked or cleaned, or took care the other part of our lives the way that it traditionally should have happened. I fought about it in the beginning, but gave up after awhile and just let things be.

So now I have 3 adults living in my home; my husband, my son who is 21, and his ex-girlfriend who is 20. (they are friends, and I am her "other mother"...I'll explain more of that one another time) and I am the only one that works...I then come home and shop and clean, and cook, and do laundry, and pay the bills, etc. etc. I am getting angry and frustrated over this, and I am not the only one.

My parents came to visit a few weeks ago, and I had forgotten they were coming...they are here frequently so forgetting was not that big of a deal. But I usually prepare for when they come. I clean the house, shop for the things I know they like and need, and have my house in order. But that week I didn't get those things done, so when they came things were not as they should have been. My Dad became so angry that he wanted to say something to hubby....they saw that I needed help...I asked my Mom to ask him not to say anything; I don't want there to be a big fight...so he kept to himself for the 2 days they were here, and I only talked to him for about 15 minutes of it. Now I am being robbed of my time with my parents because of this!
My son's ex-girlfriend Susie (we'll call her that) sees this too, and helps intermittently. She has said things to my son and hubby about helping, but it doesn't make a difference...she is home for Easter with her family (they live in another town about 100 miles away) and called me to say that when she gets back this next week she will help more....she at least feels bad.

This is just one example of how I let things happen...if I fought for what's right, and made them do the right thing, I wouldn't be so burdened.

The same applies with my relationship with my hubby. I have let him become distant and independent. I have let him have all the play time and toys while I work my ass off without so much as a word. I have become a doormat. How does a smart, educated, driven individual let this happen? How did I get to the point that I put myself so far on the back burner that I am forgotten? I have let him overrule me so many times in so many ways that we both know that I will never win.

But now with the changes in me, in my life, with my Mom and what's left of her life, I want to make this change too.

I talk with my therapist about this as well; she makes helpful suggestions, and validates my anger and frustration. But she thinks that I need not take responsibility for my part in this, but that instead I need to make them take responsibility for their part in it. What a novel concept..lol! Those who know me and the truth of my situation think along the same lines. I have to be reminded that these are adults; that they are capable of taking care of me, of the household, of these extra things that are on my plate...

I have a tendency to take the path of least resistance, especially now, and this does me no favors in the end. It adds to my stress level (which was through the roof this last week) and makes me angry and frustrated...so I am to the point where I have to pick the lesser of two evils for myself; have some kind of confrontation to get what I need, or keep going the way I am and potentially have another meltdown. I am close to one now. I have cried and sobbed on the mountain twice this week...I had a list of 14 things (these are priorities) to accomplish on my days off, and only got through about half of them. Doing so much on your own sucks...there's no way any one person can do it all.

Hubby and I had a bit of a conversation about this last night; I had an opportunity, but took a pass on it...again. My fault....

My Mom is a very particular housekeeper, and while my home is clean and organized, it's not spotless or immaculate like hers is. Yesterday she made a comment in the morning about my floors needing to be dust mopped; I have travertine floors, and had actually done them on Thursday. But my Son had had a LAN party with friends over on Friday night, then there was all the foot traffic on Saturday with people in and out preparing for Easter, so it did need to be done again. It was on my to do list, but not at the top. It wouldn't be so bad, but she always seems to feel the need to give me the details of how dirty she thinks something is so that I take immediate action. She offered to do it herself, but with her weakened respiratory system, she should not. So I drop what I'm doing and do the floors so that she's happy. Then just before bed she comes to me; I think she wants to visit because they are leaving in the morning...she wants instead to tell me that my tub and shower area needs to be scrubbed. Sheesh...this at 11:30pm! She is going on and on about it. This was not on my to do list...I knew I wouldn't get to it, so figured I'd just close the curtain, no one could see it, and I'd get to it after the weekend. But my Son left the curtain open after his shower, and she saw it...
So I snapped...at her...I told her there was no way I could do it all, and that I wasn't going to get up and clean my tub at 11:30 at night...that I was aware of it and that it needed to be done, but that my plate was overflowing...etc. etc. I vented all my frustration at her...it's not her fault, but her nit-picking just sends me over the edge!

So when she finally goes to bed, I tell hubby about it, I am feeling bad...I blame the kids...it's their bathroom, but also the public one in the house. He says I should just throw them out....when I hear this, I am thinking the kids but he is thinking my parents...lol...so I tell him that I will just throw everyone out if I don't get some help...but I soft-peddle it...and tell him that then it will be just him and me...I don't want him anymore insecure than he is. He then comments that yes, I will throw everyone out, including him, and move my "boyfriend" in. He is talking about Louis now...I invited Louis over for Easter so he was here for the day...like I wouldn't be so stupid as to have my lover over...sheesh...so I smooth that one over as well letting him know that Louis and I are just friends, that he gets along with my Son, that he is just a nice guy...I'm so not attracted to him that way!
After that I go to bed...I am so tired...I have been on the run since early morning and now have been up way too late. I host Easter here so I have been cooking and cleaning all day long.

I took a pass on a perfect opportunity to tell him that HE needs to help me too...I was not up to the battle once again.

So who is responsible for what?
Am a responsible because I only say things once, and then just do it all myself? I know that I am not a good communicator right now...I am tired of asking for things...I am tired of feeling needy, I am tired of begging for what I so obviously need.
Or are they responsible simply because they are adults and live here too?
Maybe it's a combination of both...