I have made the decision at this point to make my blog private....or at least the personal relationship part of it....I've made the decision for many reasons, the most important one being self-preservation. My story is about to take another turn and I am not by any means ready to share this part of it.
I will continue to post about other things and people in my life...and who knows I may drop a line or two about it...but don't look for too much about the relationships, they will be somewhere very safe just for me...I need to work through this part on my own.
I only want three things in my life right now; 1) To write...I enjoy writing no matter what, whether it's in chat, email, text, or blog...it doesn't matter, it's a "brain dump" for me and allows me to go on...take this away, and I feel I will have nothing. I have so much more I want to write and say. 2) I want to be taken care of...I don't want to have to worry about anything;, I want someone else at the wheel so that I can kick back for this part of the ride in my life. 3) And to be loved; by the right person in the right ways...I don't want to have to question it or doubt it, or fear it ending...I want physical and emotional engagement...I want someone that's there...what I have is someone that's physically there, but is not physical or emotional about it, and someone that's there physically and emotionally to a degree, but certainly can't give all that I need, and then not in the true sense of the words....and I have a few that are on the edges of my life, that are emotionally engaged, but cannot be there for me physically...it's all such a grab bag...
I have put so much of my life on bypass this last year; I have made so many changes...I am so not me anymore. I can't say that I know this other person that I've become...I don't even know that I like her, but I know that I liked the old me...I sometimes think that it would just be easier to forget all of this and go back to the safety of what I had before...I am so far out here on this limb by myself. No one else seems to have these difficulties or these internal struggles...I am sometimes tired from the battle...I sometimes want to give up...but then this other person rises again, and makes me keep fighting, makes me keep doing this, I don't feel like I have control of her...I don't know if she's my angel or my devil...good or bad...I have no perspective.
I want this to end, I want to have peace, I want to be fulfilled...I want, I want, I want...I am needy...
Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-02-24 12:37:50 | Rating: | Views: 74
Well 2ndchildhood. I am sorry to not be able to read your blogs, but I do understand...It is private and understandablly so..If I have offended you in any way I am sorry..
Hollis! No, no, no....no one has offended me at all...it's not that; I have read and appreciated every comment here, both good an bad...it's become a big part of my progress here. I don't take anything that's said too personally, even though my Blog is very personal. I know that there are those that will disagree with what I'm doing, with my choices, with how I am doing this...and that's fine. I have to find my own way here...
There are just some things that have happened that I'm not ready to share yet, that I can't seem to explain so that I can understand much less expect others to understand.
There will come a day soon when I will be able to put those things here, I just can't right now...
Keep reading, keep commenting, my story is still unfolding...
I hope you can sort all of this out. I know things are difficult, but you are human as the rest of us. Judgement is not for us but for a higher power! Take care and drop me an email if need be. You are in my thoughts!
I totally understand and support your decision to make your blog private. I have always felt sorry for movie stars who are forced to live out their challenges and problems in public, with all eyes watching. Why subject yourself to that if you don't have to.
Of course I will miss reading your personal story ... as it tells, in many ways, my story as well. You have made me see that I'm not the only one who longs to be held, touched and loved.
You are a fantastic writer, who could write about any subject and make it interesting. I'm glad you will continue to write here and look forward to reading your posts on other subjects.
If you need or want to talk privately feel free to email me. Remember I love you and will continue to cheer you on as you move through this maze to find the love and happiness you so richly deserve.
| Views: 74
