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| One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
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This will be a back entry on my blog as I started it last week, but had other more compelling things to write and so I am just now getting to finishing it…so if you are reading in sequence this one should come right after “A Letter”.
Lately I feel like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back…sheesh…
With going back to work, and things with Chris, and what’s happened with hubby everything is just kind of at a stand still. I almost feel like I’m in the same place I was a year ago! The only difference is that I have 2 men now that I can’t depend on!
I have to say that having to go back to work is a good thing in some ways for me. It keeps me busy, and makes the days go faster….I have something to fill my time besides agonizing over things I can’t control. The downside is that I feel like I’m losing crucial time for me…I no longer have the luxury of time that I was so enjoying. The toughest part by far is that I haven’t been able to hike except for on my days off! This sucks…it’s the one thing that I felt was mine and belonged to me; that was MY time. As the days grow longer I know that I’ll be able to go back to it, and that’s what keeps me at peace about it, and I’m making due in the mean time.
On to Chris now…he canceled on me again… I know where I fit in the scheme of things, but when that happens it’s disappointing, and makes me feel like I’m not important enough to him. He left on Sunday for 2 weeks to the Philippines for his work and we were supposed to meet that morning before he left. He sent me an email at 11pm Saturday night to tell me that he wouldn’t make it. So it will be 3 weeks between seeing him again. The thing that bothers me the most about it is that he waited until so late to let me know. He seems to do that a lot. I had originally had plans to go with friends for massages and lunch, and my parents were in town to visit…I was willing to put it all aside to see him even for a short time before he left. However I was smart enough to figure out that I can’t count on him anymore. He has not been dependable or reliable lately, his cancellations are as frequent as our visits it seems. So I kept my plans and was able to spend the time with others that are important to me too.
So I have decided that we need to have a conversation about this….I am working now too, and only have two days off, and if I set aside time to spend with him, then he needs to be there. I have to make excuses to be there with him, and when he cancels I have to undo all that I just did to be able to go. On top of that my time is valuable too. Inconveniencing me or the others in my life is not ok….and I have never once canceled on him…
Now on to the thing that happened with hubby…sheesh…for some reason that’s beyond me, he decided that he wanted to be intimate last week! This will actually be the second time in two months…go figure!
So here’s how it goes for us; while we are asleep is when he usually starts it. He reaches over and will massage my breasts or something like that until I’m semi-awake…I have learned to just go with it so that it’s over and done with…so I respond and reach over and touch him back. This usually leads to him becoming somewhat hard, but he never is able to get completely hard anymore….so when he’s hard enough we go through the act. There’s no kissing or true intimacy to it…it’s just what it is; the act. It’s over and done with in 10-15 minutes, because that’s all he can last, and he never finishes himself, I fake my way through to the end, and just go back to sleep…it truly sucks.
I think he does it only out of a sense of responsibility to me, because he can’t be getting too much out of it if he’s not finishing…Last year we had sex exactly 3 times, and they were all pretty much like this one. So now we are at 1 for this year…yippee…
This is why my affair is so important to me. Chris gets hard without really any effort on my part; it’s because he’s very attracted to me, and finds me to be sexy. He touches me intimately; he will hold my face when he kisses me, he runs his hands down me in a very sensual way, he checks to see if I’m aroused and what’s working, he presses against me, and pulls me into him, he looks in my eyes…he has such a huge amount of passion…he tells me that he’s turned on, and the things that he loves about me…by comparison my husband says nothing, and only touches me as much as he feels he feels is necessary to complete the act. Add to that this is the most physical contact I’ve had with him since the last time it happened the first week of December, and maybe you can see why it leaves me so cold…
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-01-30 22:56:05 | Rating: | Views: 38
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Stopped by to read your new posts and catch up on what's happening with you. Glad you found some time to write. I think of you often and am praying that you find your way through this confusing time in your life. You deserve to be loved and happy. Peace
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-01-30 23:52:46
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Hi CD...I did finally find some time to write, and still have tons of stuff in my head...lol...it's a busy place in there! Thanks for your on-going prayers and support; they are much appreciated!
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2008-01-31 20:19:23
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Know what you mean. There are not enough hours in the day to write all the words in my head. Peace
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-02-01 15:57:12
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