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James...A Life Too Short...

I knew that I had to write this today…it meant staying up and out-waiting Hubby…but I had to…

I don’t know where to begin this one…

It’s about James…my friend, my old lover and flame from High School…from so long ago…30 years to be exact.

I guess I will start with now…

He and I have been such good friends this past year; he has listened to me rant and rave and cry, he has sagely advised me, always keeping his feelings for me aside, he has encouraged me, and supported me, he has been my rock…we are the best of friends. I have done the same for him…helping him through his latest marriage collapse, calling him when he didn’t get custody of his kids, listening, advising, and being there for him.

We kept talking about our 30-year reunion that’s this month…we both planned to go…we would meet there and I would get my yearbook back from him. I will have a separate entry for the reunion episode in my life though…

But a few months ago, shortly after he moved to the desert southwest, he began having some health issues; he thought that he was just having difficulties with the extreme heat, and the changes in weather. He was tired all the time…he said it was kicking his ass…I laughed a little remembering my first year in the heat…I told him that it would get better…it did for me. I am active in the heat each day, hiking, swimming, bike riding, walking…he just needed to get acclimated. I sent him a “care package” with vitamins, minerals, electrolytes for drinks etc…I thought that it would help…but he left for California to visit his brother, and was gone a few weeks…he said that he thought that maybe he had had a slight heat stroke, or heat exhaustion or something like that and needed some time in cooler weather…he said that he was walking a little funny, and he felt “cloudy” most of the time…I asked him if he had been checked out by a doctor yet, and he said "no"…sheesh…I pointed out that maybe he should, that this might be important!

So last week he finally took my advice…and here’s the email he sent me last Sun.;

Wish I had better news to share. I have recently been diagnosed with a Brain tumor. I Will have surgury next week.Thank you Fore keeping me in your thoughts.

It is pasted exactly as it read…his brain functions obviously affecting his typing/spelling abilities…

Knowing that he was so tired all the time, I knew that this took some effort to type and send…it meant so much…
I called him that night, and we talked for a short time…he told me that this morning at 6:45am he was going in for his surgery. They were going to try and remove the tumor if they could, and would know more of the nature of it when they got in there. He said the odds were about 50/50…but my mind was muddled, and there were tears I was trying to hide when he finished the sentence so I didn’t catch what the 50/50 part was about…
I spoke with his sister last night, they were all hoping for the best…I told her that I would call later today to get an update…

I sent a text message this morning; “Love You, BFF”…we have been signing our emails that way for months…and I reminded him that we still had at least one more lunch date in our future…he needed to get my yearbook back to me. He said thanks and let me know he was on his way…

I called at 2:45pm both his phone and his sister’s…I was feeling anxious…no answer…I kept busy at work…and tried again at 6:00pm…she answered, and I could tell immediately that the news wouldn’t be good…

His tumor is cancerous; and no, he never smoked…it is growing very fast, and there’s not much they can do. They could try and remove some of it, and do radiation and that might give him 9 months to a year, but it would affect his quality of life tremendously…so the decision has been made to just try and make him comfortable…he will only live another 3-6 months…OMG…He has young children; an 18 yo that lives here and just graduated high school, and a 9 yo old, and 5 yo twins that live in Illinois…

So I am trying to sort through this all as I speak to his sister for only the 2nd time in 30 years…I am crying and can’t stop…neither can she…I am still at work and have to finish my shift…my family knows nothing of this man or my connection and re-connection with him, so I have to go home and pretend that everything is ok when it’s so NOT! I want to scream out loud…

My Mom is getting worse too…I will probably lose them both in a short amount of time…I can’t afford my therapist anymore…things are unraveling at home quickly…I am trying not to feel toxic right now…I was with my lover this last weekend, and his dog died while we were gone…what else can go wrong???

I hope I don’t get the answer to that one…I can’t take anymore…I already am struggling daily with my anger, my hurt, my darkness…it envelopes me with dread each day…I feel physically unwell frequently…my mind is cloudy, I get the shakes, I get dizzy, I have panic attacks…I am on the verge of something ugly…

But then I have my rare moments of clarity, where I know that if I leave here there will be a light at the end of the tunnel…that I just have to set things right…but wonder where I will ever find the support and strength to do it…

I am now reeling with the news of James’ demise…our reunion is the 26th of this month…neither of us will go; I couldn’t go without my friend…my BFF…
I rang in the New Year with him via chat…while Hubby watched TV and went to bed early, and Chris was gone in the Philippines…he has been there for me…

I have so many old and new memories with him…and I can’t help but wonder why he was brought back into my life only a short year ago only to be taken from me again…I don’t understand! Why is life so cruel? I can’t begin to imagine the pain his family feels!

And I can’t imagine the day that he passes…we have written and emailed and chatted on gmail…but I will close my account that day, because I know that I won't be able to bear being there if he is not...
I don’t know if I will be able to re-establish much contact with him, but I will try my damnedest…I am his BFF…I will try and be there until the very end if I can. I have my closure about our relationship of long ago, and want it for our relationship now too.

I have so many thoughts and things that I want and need to write about him, but time is not on my side now…

He was the first person that I felt true passion for, and that I loved deeply with all of my heart; he is the reason I went looking outside of my marriage for love, and realized what was so sadly missing for me…a part of me will die with him, just like it will with my Mom…I am losing bits and pieces of myself as I go…and I don’t know how to make new ones…can you do that in this life??? Or do they just go, and you never get them back???

I fear my future…I know that my lover will want to be with me…but will never leave his life and his wife…so I will be truly alone one day; no therapist, no husband, no lover, no BFF, no Mom…that day is coming so soon…I feel so unprepared…a part of me just wants to die…

I wish this was some wild story that I made up, I wish this wasn’t my life, I wish, I wish, I wish…I wish he could live forever…the forever part of our BFF has become too short….

Today I can feel only pain….