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That's a pretty big question for me...considering what it's tied to. James :)
James has made the decision to do the chemo and radiation treatments needed to give him some extra time, and if possible the chance to beat his cancer...
He started the treatments about a month ago, and has finished the radiation for now. The chemo is kicking his ass, and they are doubling the dose moving forward...he got a few days reprieve this last week, but now it continues.
He contacted me about a week after his brain surgery...we have been talking, emailing, and doing a lot of texting since then. He is in a care home for the time being until he's finished and he can be moved to live with his Mom.
He is relearning how to walk, and has good days and bad days, but seems determined to do this and beat this. I tell him that he can and that he will...but I talk to his sister and the reality is that he probably won't...they are just buying as much time as they can and I don't blame any of them for that.
James is probably the most unselfish person I know; he always asks how I am doing, and how things are going, like he doesn't have enough on his mind! He listens, he pays attention, he tries to help, always putting aside his own feelings. He is also honorable; he reminds me that I have to resolve my marital issues before he can see me as anything more than a friend...lol...he will flirt, talk, call me his GF, and laugh with me, but that's it! He is soooooo sweet. :)
He has not wavered despite his situation in his interest for me. After we met on Memorial Day he walked away with a spark, and I did not...but I never told him that; it didn't seem necessary at the time to burst his bubble. He was living in another state, and we both had things we were working through...so I just let it stand.
But a funny thing has happened along the way...we are great friends, this much is true...and I tell him from time to time that I love him (as a friend) as I do all of my friends and family...I know what it feels like not to feel loved and so I know the importance of saying that.
So last week we were texting back and forth on and off for most of the day, but when he went to sign off for the night he suddenly dropped the "L-Bomb"...he never says it back...lol...I sat there staring at my phone...I didn't know how to answer! I know that I don't love him that way...I love him as a best friend...but I didn't hesitate long...I went ahead and dropped it back; I told him that I love him too...
I struggled with it for awhile afterwards...I know it probably wasn't right to say something like that that's not true...but it didn't feel like it was wrong!
I know that he has the hope of having a real life again when this is done; of being able to see his kids again, (his ex-wife has custody and lives half way across the country, she won't send the kids to visit) of being independent and making a living, of having a woman to love by his side again...I won't pull that rug out from under him. Telling him that made him happy, it makes him fight, it gives him another reason to hope and to go on...
What was kind of funny though was that the next day he sent me a text, and I sent him an email clarifying what we meant...lol...the following is the email I sent him;
James,
I've been thinking and was thinking after our texting last night, so just thought I'd cover a few things here...just for clarification purposes.
You know that sometimes I sign off telling you that I love you...and moving forward, I always will. The one thing that I hope I've learned in the last year with all that's happened, is that we are here but for a short time, and that time is precious...
We need to grab a hold of that time, value and treasure each minute of it, and not be afraid of anything that it may offer us. I try and tell the people that mean something to me in my life that I love them each day...I want them to know that because I know how important those 3 little words are. You can't over-use them! They only lose their meaning if you let that happen...and I never will again.
You say that I give and give, so what's not to love...lol...of course you don't have to deal with me on a day by day basis...so the perspective might be different for someone that does. I've been accused of being "high-maintenance", hard-headed, emotional, and difficult at times. These things can all be true of me. However; when I feel that I am loved, that I am cared for, that I have value and am appreciated, all of those things about me fall away...and I give...I give everything that I can and that I have to others, even at my own expense at times. That's just me and how I am.
When I love, I love deeply and true...hurt me enough and I will eventually lash back, but my love will hold steadfast. That's why this is so hard for me...it's why I can't just walk away from my marriage, but have to work my way through it instead. It's why it matters not to me that you've had brain surgery, or chemo, or radiation, or anything else...those are all just side-lines in life that have nothing to do with who you are, or what your character is. You were truly the first man that I fell in love with...remember you were to me what N***** was to you...it took me years to get over you, and I can't say for sure that I ever did....I always wondered about you.
As a mature (sometimes...lol) adult, the crazy head-over-heels feeling of falling in love has gone away. It's been replaced with something that's not as fleeting...I have found a best-friend in you. I can say (and we know I do...lol) whatever I want and think and know that I won't be judged. I can be me and who I am with no worries...I know that you will always be there for me.
So I guess my point here is that I can and do love you; not the same as I did 30 years ago, but perhaps in an even better way...
You have no worries that I'm going to fall head over heels, leave my life and what I have, and hold you to promises that you never made. I am working things out as I go over here...and it will be what it will be...I know that I will leave again, and this time I won't turn back...I just don't know when.
Of course I dream of a day when I can be with you, when we can spoon and rub each other's asses...lol...and I like to think that that can be worked out, that maybe the timing will be right for us, that maybe there's more...
But until we get to that point, until we know, I am and will be your BFF, and GF, and you will be mine. :) even if it's only virtually...our relationship makes us happy, makes us smile and sometimes laugh, and you can't do enough of that in this life. We are not hurting anyone or anything with our play...having hope of better things is good for both of us, and there's no reason we can't eventually have them.
So I will tell you that I love you anytime I like (captive audience...hahaha)...and even if you never say it back again, I know that you love me too...it matters not how, it only matters that you do...
I hope that you're having a good week...and thanks for the pic :) I like the hat, and think you look great!
Love You,
His text was of course shorter, but along the same lines...so I think we're safe here!
I guess the bottom line is that we do love each other, and even if he's in love with me and I'm not with him, it's still ok, and that doesn't need to be said out loud.
The sad part about it all is that the clock is ticking, and that time will most likely run out before anything could potentially happen with us.
But he and I know the realities of his situation, and if despite that he wants to put all the obstacles aside, and have hope, and love, and laughter, then I will give that to him in any way that I can...
So maybe it's not right, but in this case, giving someone hope, even if it's false, sure as hell isn't wrong...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-09-28 15:03:32 | Rating: | Views: 32
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I am going to give you a piece of advice, get out of your head and into your heart. It seems like you have done that already but as time goes on make sure you listen to your heart and only that. Like you said life is short. Life is too short to let your thoughts get the best of you. Love you may have for him, you may not know because of everything going on. So get out of your head and decide what YOU want, not anyone else.
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Posted by NoObamaDrama
on 2008-09-28 15:21:45
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