Thoughts.com Blogs

Yes, I’m back to writing here again…! I have found that a few things have happened that have made me decide to come back to this…to posting publicly.

While still writing privately I have had difficulties in being consistent when I don’t post here; I don’t have the same discipline that I did before. This has also led to much if it becoming disjointed; I will start a thread of thought, write about it, but not really ever complete it. I have several drafts that go in different directions and I need to have all of this be rather tidy. Part of the idea behind this was to help me work through things and organize my thoughts, and that’s not happening now. I feel like there are too many loose ends to my writing, and so it’s not providing the same clarity that I had before.
So writing here again I am hoping will put me in the position of being more consistent and disciplined, and will help me to make sense of my thought processes. Does this make sense? LOL…it does to me, and I guess that’s what really matters.

I will have to back fill when I have time; sort through all of my meanderings, finish what needs to be finished, and post as I go. I will try and add dates as well to keep the continuity as best I can.

The time writing away from here has been good in a way for me too; I was becoming too concerned about the comments, and what others were thinking…this is supposed to be about me, for me, even if it is in a public place in a public format. So moving forward, while I can’t ignore the comments, hopefully I’m in a place where I can write without other things bleeding into what or how I write.

Much has happened…and of course I can’t cover it all in one posting, so this will be a brief overview…

The biggest reason that I’m back to this is because I’m about to make a change at home, and need the clarity before I can do this. I am going to leave home. My goal is for this to be temporary, but time will bear out what it truly ends up being. I didn’t want to be here yet, I’m not quite prepared for it, but my options are becoming limited…

My Son will graduate with his degree next Friday, and we are having a party for him on the Sunday following. My Daughter will be in town for this as well as my Parents; I have been waiting for Easter, and this Graduation to pass before I do anything else. I will not rain on my Son’s parade.

I did not go into any of this with the intention of ever leaving, and the thing that bothers me the most is that I still need to help and care for my Mom at the end. I want to do this from my home, but also know that it may still be awhile before she is ready to come here, and I can’t wait that long. My other regret? My Children of course…how will I explain why I am doing this? My Daughter has an idea and knows most of the difficulties that I have, my Son is practically clueless even though he lives here. He and I don’t communicate on the same level as my Daughter and I do. But no matter what, the end result is that I have to do this soon…

Hubby has been suspicious of my extra-curricular activities for while now, and he has made several comments about me having a “boyfriend” to others. He is questioning where I am when I come home late from work…it’s only a matter of time before he starts to dig to see what’s really going on.

The other issue is financial. We are living above our means by a long shot. He is beginning to realize this; DUH! Even though I pay all the bills, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I am not making enough to cover all of our expenses. While we still have enough savings for the next few months, it won’t be long before we are in a distress situation. His hobbies are expensive, and while I’ve spent more than I should as well, it can’t touch what he spends. So he is questioning our finances, and I need to go over it with him so that he knows where we are before it’s too late. But here’s where the difficulty lies; I would like to just give him and overview, and tell him that he needs to go to work and help me out here. But as soon as I do that, as soon as he knows that he has to work…he will want to crack the books… to find a way out…that means my laptop gets opened and I know that with his suspicions he is dying to get in here…and this is where bill pay happens, as well as everything else. He will want to go over every dime spent line by line…and while I have kept things as clean as I can, we all know that there’s still a trail…he will find something, this I know to be true…the occasional hotel payment, dinner and drinks…there’s a few things like that that I can’t account for. He will be looking for a place to lay the blame, and it will be at my feet…

My therapist thinks that I should delay all of this as much as possible, that I should stick with my plan to wait until my Mom is gone before I do anything this drastic. But she doesn’t know the reality of my financial situation, and that if I wait, it may be too late. She thinks that I need to be ok with Hubby being miserable, and not let him make me miserable…this is easier said than done. With him not working, he is free to dog me at every turn, and he will; he has done this before. He will be angry and depressed, he will blame me for all that’s transpired, and if my affair comes to light it will get even uglier. I am not emotionally strong enough for this now.

So my plan is this; (because I am a chicken-shit) I will move some things this week while he is gone to my best friends apartment…he has no idea where she lives…after all is said and done with the family activities, I will take the next day that he is gone pursuing his hobbies and I will take whatever else I need and go. I will leave him a letter letting him know exactly where things stand as best I can. I have already written it, but will probably revise it a few more times before settling on the final draft.

This will do two things; it will let him know what he needs to do and where we stand… This will cover finances, as well as our relationship…
And this will give both of us time and distance while he decides how he wants to live, and if he wants to do this with me. I am still willing to do this (to a degree) if he should decide that he could man-up, go to work, and be a good partner to me. Of course there’s much more to all of this…the details will be in his letter…

Regarding our relationship I can only say this; that with my Son’s graduation, and knowing that he will not be here much longer, I am looking at a very grim future here alone with hubby.
I have a husband that does not support me, or take care of me, that lives how he wants to and does whatever he wants despite what my wants or needs may be. He is gone 2-3 days week pursuing his hobbies…he will not go anywhere with me, or do anything with me. He doesn’t work…I will be lonely and alone, trying to do all of this by myself, and I won’t live the rest of my life this way…
I do have someone that helps me to remember what it feels like to have someone that truly loves me take care of me, and that knows how to be a good friend as well as a lover. I am not leaving for him or for anyone else, this I am doing for me. But having that reminder is part of what drives me to do this now…that and a bit of desperation…