Thoughts.com Blogs - Hindsight is 20/20

This morning as I woke I had some things on my mind. The last few days I have come to a couple of different realizations about some things. I'll walk through how I got to this point.

I have a friend from the married/dating website. His name is Dan and Dan and I met there and chatted for awhile. He lives in Wisconsin so even though we clicked, we both knew that it was impossible for anything physically to happen for us. But we would still chat if we saw each other there, or in the chat room (the same ones are generally shared by people from the website) and we began a friendship based on support and being in the same situation looking for the same things.
We shared info about the people we met and dated, and began calling and texting each other as well. We now call a few times a week, and text almost daily.

About a month after I met Chris, he met Melissa. So as we traveled these paths, we would help each other through the difficult times, the roller coaster ride that this can be...we cried together and laughed together. I wrote him encyclopedias during the holidays when I was agonizing over all the cancellations and wondering where the hell my relationship was going. He would express his frustration with Melissa's difficulties in getting over her guilt and her inability to commit to doing this. They were spending much time together...I was struggling to get Chris to meet me once a week, they were calling, talking, texting, and being romantic! They were not having sex, and we were in the midst of the full blown passion that ours was based on. To date they have had sex maybe 3-4 times over a 5 month period, while ours numbered in the dozens. So we were going in rather different directions from the start. I didn't have the communication and the romance that they did, and they didn't have the sex that we did. It's all rather funny...but at the time the support was critical.

So Dan is the one person that truly knows the details of what happens with me. I can share anything with him, and he understands and has my back! He knows about my situation at home, he knows about James, he knows about the one night stand in January, he knows about the man that I'm seeing now. He knows it all.

But in the last week or so his situation has begun to change...he and Melissa are in love...they are both thinking about changing their situations at home and finding a way to move forward together. OMG...this is a scary thing for everyone, it's the thing that's feared the most through all of this. But I also think that it's what everyone there is looking for to a degree!

Yes, there are those that are just looking for something on the side, or for a one night stand, but for the rest of us it's difficult to separate what your body does from your emotions, heart, and mind...most people can't do that, and apparently Dan and Melissa can't. But here's the rub; I am now jealous...yes, the green-eyed monster has finally reared it's ugly head!
I was never jealous of Chris' wife; I knew she was there from the start, so it was never an issue. If everything as ok at home, he wouldn't have been out there...if it wasn't me, it would've been someone else...that was how I saw it. But now with Dan I see what can be! I see how communication with the right person in the right situation can change everything, and I now know that's what I am looking for. I am looking for L_O_V_E.

It has taken me 10 months to get to this realization...it's the missing link for me! I'm sure that anyone who has read my silly meanderings through this blog realized this from the very start...but for me, admitting it to myself just yesterday was a huge step! I cried when I talked with Dan...omg...if I hadn't been at work when it hit I would've been a total mess...but it left me feeling so empty and sad about my marriage, and about what I've been doing and where I am... I told him that I don't know how to find what he has, and I don't! I so want to be loved...I want to fill this emptiness inside of me with the warmth of someone that understands me and cares. I want to be touched, and cared for by someone that can give me all that I need, and yes, all that I deserve!

But then I look at the obstacles...how do you ever leave a 27 year relationship? How do you find what you are seeking, or even know if it's out there? Is it fair to hurt all the people that have been a part of the life you've built and to leave not knowing this? Can I bear even more emptiness than I already have to have only a hope of gaining what I need? These are the questions I ask myself now...and once again I don't know where to find the answers...