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Well, a lot has happened this week, but this posting will be about Chris and I…we were supposed to meet the other night…I shower, I shave, I’m getting my manicure and pedicure, I have thought of nothing else all day…I'm off work, I’m so happy.
Then he sends me a text message…he can’t make it, he got called into a meeting at work.
I am hurt, I am angry, this seems to be happening more and more often, and the communication sucks. There’s so little for me to go on. I’m feeling like this has just become about the sex…yes, I want the sex, but I want more too. I want communication, I want a friend, and I want someone who has time to do this with me. At this point I’m just feeling abandoned again…I’m feeling like either you’re there for me or you’re not…and he’s not. I don’t let him know that anything is wrong. I tell him “I know…it happens”…I even text “love you” to him later. But I’m crushed. But it’s become like it is with my husband; another man that’s not “there”…so I do what I do at home…I just say “fuck it” to myself, and move on…literally.
I have an appointment with my therapist, and am so grateful that I do. I’m trying not to cry all the way there. I get there and I pay to cry to her…I really do like her though and think that she will be able to help me long-term, but that’s another entry…
Anyway, I’m still smarting, I’m angry, I’m hurt…I’m thinking it’s time for a replacement…yep, I’ve had enough. So I go back to the married/dating website and make my profile “visible” again. It’s been under wraps for months. Then I go and sign up for a few other websites as well, what the hell, no sense in wasting time here. It doesn’t take long and my mailboxes are full. I am interested in two of them; one I’m meeting on Sunday (this was decided today). And get this; he’s a personal trainer…talk about daunting! I was honest with him about my weight, and he claims that he’s just looking for a “real person”. I guess I’ll find out! The other one sent a picture and is very good looking..omg…both are educated, professional, and seem very nice.
In the middle of all this going on, I get the “apology text” from Chris…then later while I’m online he comes into chat, and leaves another apology…I respond, he can’t see that I’m there because I’m signed in as “invisible”…he’s happy that I’m there…he’s is sorry, he loves me, he misses me…why am I so attached to this man? The guilt is kicking in....shit! He wants to know my schedule and “when can we meet, can we meet on Monday”? I say “yes”, because despite my disappointment and my anger and hurt, I know that his unavailability isn’t his fault, and that he’s truly trying to make me happy, and I do want to see him...I need what he offers me.
I feel bad…but not bad enough to walk away…because in the back of my mind lives the thought that this will happen again, and again.
I ask how much time he will have; everything is done on his schedule. We met last week and he only had a little over an hour, the other day it was only going to be for 2 hours…I’m getting short timed, and he knows I’m not too happy even though I haven’t expressed that. He’s still remembering Christmas Eve when he cancelled on me and I freaked out and sent the “it’s over” email…I know what’s going through his mind. But I let it go, I’m in no mood for a fight, and I’ve already made a decision, and taken action. He says he can stay out for awhile on Monday; we can get a room and have some real time to ourselves…he’s doing his best here…I know that’s probably not ok for him to do, but he’s sweating it now, he knows he needs to do something to keep me on board. He starts to tell me that next month he will be able to have a full day with me (something that has yet to happen for us in the 4 months we’ve been seeing each other, despite his promises of it) he says his wife will be out of town and he will take the day off work. I know he’s still trying to appease me; he’s saying anything to make me happy. I just want to tell him not to say those things to me. It’s like tossing me a bone to keep me quiet. I feel like it won’t ever happen, just like so many other things he’s talked about…he doesn’t have the time to do this…he’s juggling too much, and I’m first on the sacrificial list to go. I know where I stand in this, and I’m fine with that. But you know what? If you can’t manage more than a few hours a month, I’m way too fucking far down on the list! There’s the anger. When he knows I’m upset or angry he seems to find time, or at least the promise of time to make things better. So where is that time while I’m patiently waiting for him? It’s there; I’m just not on the list. But none the less I let him cajole me out of my bad mood…I’m smiling, he’s being so nice, and funny…and at the end he writes in bold print; LOVE YOU. He’s just grateful that I took it so well, and didn’t get upset again…little does he know…
So I am meeting this new guy on Sunday, and will probably meet the other one in the next week or so, and we will see what if anything happens. I have gotten to where I don’t say anything to anyone that I feel hurts or wrongs me anymore; I just quietly take action…I’ll let you know how it goes.
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-01-12 02:06:27 | Rating: | Views: 85
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I'm sitting here feeling every bit of your frustration, tears and pain. That's what an amazing writer does ... draws the reader into their world. Someday, my dear, you are going to have a best seller and there will be no worries about paying the bills etc.
I had a couple thoughts as I read your post. Sometimes we bring a lion home and then are disappointed when he doesn't act like the fluffy kitten we really wanted and had our heart set on. It sounds like you are wanting something way more than Chris, as a married man, can give you. You may think that single men would not want to look your way, but many single men date married women exclusively. Both of my serious relationships have been with single men. I also have several single guy buddies, who I would be lost without. They have all the time in the world to spoil me. My one guy friend called me 4 times on Christmas Day. I thought to myself ... now a married guy wouldn't be able to support me in this way.
Also wanted to share my favorite quote with you ... just for a little food for thought.
"When people show you who they are, believe them." -- Maya Angelou
I'm glad you are branching out a bit and looking into some other options. I continue to support your efforts to find the love and happiness you so richly deserve.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-01-12 16:40:37
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whoa. you deserve more than a few hours
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Posted by strong4two
on 2008-01-12 22:43:08
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BlueMoon; There's not a short or easy answer to that one...but if you read back in my blog under "Options" and "The decision is made" you'll have a better idea of why.
And I don't take anything you say to me wrong...I'm always grateful for the feedback I get here. :)
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2008-01-13 00:33:11
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CD: You are probably right in that I am perhaps wanting more than Chris can or will give...but that's also why I'm exploring other options as well. I've come to the conclusion that he is not going to be able to provide what I need on his own, no matter how hard he tries. What's more, I truly don't want him to do anything he's not comfortable with or that he'll have regrets about later; I know that that would destroy everything good about what we do have.
Single men...lol...I've had a few show interest, but they worry me a little...I'm afraid that at some point someone single would get tired of all the "cloak and dagger" stuff necessary for an affair, or that eventually they might want more than I'm able or willing to give. They also don't have as much to lose if things go bad, and that's scary! But it is a good thought, and one I'll think about some more...maybe it has possibilities!
I'm glad that you have such good friends to support you...it's so important! :)
We all should have and deserve to have people like that in our lives.
I am going to read your blog entries today, I haven't had a chance to with work this week! :)
Maya Angelou- How did she ever become so wise??? She's very inspiring...
A best seller? lol...not quite what I had in mind when I started this...I'm just glad that there are people out there with an interest that can give me support, ideas, and feedback. I also hope that there are some that can learn from my mistakes, and find something good to take away from this as well...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2008-01-13 09:35:06
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