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Guilt

Much has changed since my great escape last month...But I am still at home, and don't see that changing anytime soon.
However things have improved tremendously! DH is cooking and cleaning, trying to be a better partner to me. He is even trying to be more intimate and loving. He is working on a few ideas to generate some income to keep us afloat; how successful that will be is yet to be determined.

I am still continuing with my affair however...as hard as DH tries, it's almost like too little too late...I truly don't love him the way that I used to, and that makes me sad. My lover makes me happy, loves me and cares for me, and I never have to question his motives. I do with DH...is he doing these things just to maintain what he has? Or does he really care on some level? He claims to still love me...I wish that he wouldn't...

But now I am finding now that I am struggling with some guilt that wasn't there before...I feel somewhat badly about cheating...because DH is trying so hard. It was much easier before when he was such an asshole to justify what I was doing...in essence to say "fuck you too"...
There's also more fear in getting caught; I know that the consequences will be huge...that he and the kids will never forgive me...that he may get stupid again...who knows!

But these thoughts are still not compelling enough for me to stop.

I can't let go of the one thing that brings me love and pleasure in this life...

I have been thinking a lot about where I am and how I got here...I think that everything happens the way it does for a reason. I think about the pain associated with my losses; my Mom, James, my marriage...and then I can only think that the pleasure that I get from my affair, as sweet and intense as it is, is there so that I can have something to balance against that...if I didn't have that, I don't know where I'd be...

Having someone that is my friend and my lover, that listens and cares, that touches me and thinks that I'm of value means so much to me. Being in love again and having someone that's in love with me and shows it and says it can't be matched...I need this affair...that's why I agonize and over-analyze and obsess and chase after it so hard...there are days and times when I think that I need to walk away from it before I get hurt or hurt others...but then I can't let go...I've tried...

And so I continue down this path not knowing where I will end up...doing the best I can to seek happiness...I know that it's out there for me, and that eventually I will find it...