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I had a comment left the other day that has me asking this question...granted it was left by a 16 year old boy with no life experiences...and I don't know if he's read my entire blog or not; but does that matter? This is his impression. I know that by having this blog be public I am open to all comments both positive and negative...and I thought for a minute afterwards of changing it to private...and I may do that eventually. I have to admit that this left me feeling a bit unsettled...that combined with the guilt I felt at the therapist's office is making me ask myself this question.
I don't think there's a true answer...it's all about perception...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood on 2008-01-02 09:51:02 | Rating: | Views: 86
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If you won't answer the question I will .... You are NOT bad. I also saw the comment and checked out who had written it. It made me upset and angry and my first thought was to send off a piece of my mind to this person, but I resisted. If such a comment appeared on my blog I would have deleted it.
I'm not saying I know how you feel ... but as I have told you my situation is similar and I have walked this journey you find yourself on and struggled to come to grips and find peace with the feelings you are dealing with.
Guilt (along with his partner shame) is the great accuser ... and more times than not he's a false accuser. Tears streamed down my face as I read about your husband leaving you in the hospital, with your new born, to go off and enjoy a fun day with friends. If I'm understanding your story correctly you have lived a life void of emotional and physical intimacy.
I emailed, for a short time last summer, a man whose wife shut him out 10 years ago. He has had no touching, cuddling, kissing etc. for over 10 years. He told me he feels guilty for being so needy and mad at himself that he's unhappy and yearns to have an affair.
You are correct, 2nd childhood, it's all about perception. So perhaps I can help you see it another way. I have shared the following story with many guilt ridden friends.
Years ago I read something regarding our need for human touch that was eye opening. It was war time in an orphanage. There were many babies to care for and not enough staff for holding and cuddling. At feeding time bottles were propped up. Even though these infants were fed they did not thrive and ended up dying ... from what you may ask .... from lack of human touch ... no disease or other medical problem could be found. Human touch is imperative at all stages of our life ... it is as important to our well being, health and survival as food and water.
Here's another story to make my point. You live in an imaginary country. In this country there are no grocery stores and each person grows their own food on their own land ... sharing or going to another person's land is looked upon as sinful ... you would be a "bad" person for doing that. One hot summer day a fire roars through your land and your source of food is gone. You are hungry and to save yourself from dying you go to your neighbor and he bravely agrees to share some of his food with you. Yes this kind neighbor is taking the risk of being judged and labeled a sinner.
I'm so sick of people judging those who have affairs ... people who have no idea the hell some of us walk through. Years ago when I asked for one hour of cuddling a week I was told to stop being so needy.
Even though my blog is relatively new I find myself in a weird place with it. So I haven't been writing much but thinking things over. I know if I make my posts public I will be judged harshly and condemned by some. Is this something I want to open myself up to?? I feel at home here and know in my soul that, at this moment in my life, here is where I'm supposed to be. I'm meeting and making lots of new friends so I'm thinking perhaps I will compromise and write some of my entries just for friends. That might be an option you could consider. By going completely private you cut yourself off from the support of others. We all need a support system .... friends who understand the journey we are on ... friends who won't judge us ... friends who will embrace and love us through the process.
I think about you a lot 2nd childhood ... I pray for you and send good thoughts and wishes your way. I guess wounded souls befriend each other in this world. I so respect that you are willing to share your story with me. Peace and Love to you on this second day of 2008.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-01-02 11:48:33
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I get really angry when things like that happen. I spike and think "who the hell .." etc .. But really, at some point I think we just have to refocus on why we are writing a blog and why we are writing the things we are. It is about opening ourselves up and taking a look and helping ourselves get on with things. So, a comment like that from a child or from anyone is a good metaphor for the processes, I guess. We're all trying to do our thing and sometimes shit happens to throw us off course or make us doubt ourselves. Keep your head, deal with it and renew your faith in yourself and your goals. XX Kindness
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Posted by Glazed
on 2008-01-02 18:28:43
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Life isn't an episode of the Brady Bunch. Stuff happens. We all need to live.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-01-02 23:41:56
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What??? This isn't The Brady Bunch??? LOL...
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Posted by 2ndchildhood
on 2008-01-03 09:48:22
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I saw that yesterday even though I didn't comment. I took into consideration that he seems to be very young, and the young, as you know, tend to see the world in starker black and white as they haven't, yet, been introduced to all the variants of gray they'll run into before they've finished their own race.
You aren't bad. You're human. That you're willing to share yourself with us like this is a brave thing, and you should commend yourself for it.
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Posted by Indigo_Drift
on 2008-01-03 12:26:35
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I think you are trying to do the best you can do to figure out the "whys" of your life. I wouldn't take his comment to heart. He may have his own "parental" issues going on and is transfering them to you. Keep searching...I'm rooting for you!
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Posted by lippshaw
on 2008-01-03 21:50:48
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