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Dream of being elsewhere

just needed a place to vent, perhaps something secure so my thoughts won't be read my loved ones. But hey strangers, who cares about that. Private, secret thoughts, kept safe on the internet who would have thought. Time i just feel in a slump. I get up with the kids, attempt to entertain them during the day, so they don't drive me crazy, run errands, cook, do laundry, clean, then clean again. try to fit in a shower somewhere in there. I actually look forward going to work sometimes, to bad I am up for more than 24 hours while i am working, so then i feel like shit there too.
and the bday tonight. wait, for them to get there to eat, wait for them to do cake, fuck, it is almost 12, and i have 2 crabby kids crying...oh but wait my husband is here, oh no next door smoking a cigar with the guys who dont have any kids, and who gives a rats ass what they are doing. no thats ok, i will continue to entertain the kids. I am grateful for my aunt she tries to help and keep me grounded most of the time it works.
oh yes thank you for offering to take the kids home, but ya why would i want to stay up late when I have to get up with them early in the morning, yes even when your home.
this just makes my stomach turn.
i like my green painted room, and my white down comforter, when he is not here i can dream of being elsewhere. somewhere where i wasnt myself, but that was ok, i liked being someone else. it made life different. how can i make life different now. i enjoy my dreams, i can dream of different things. could i ever act on them, if i got the chance. was i ready for kids. I think i was but he was already young and self fish why did i think he was ready. now I am stuck until he catches up. when will that be. before i go off the deep end i hope. He is sitting in there with him now...thanks, i almost forgot to tell you. cause you tell me that all the time. i want my body back. whose body is this anyways. me after 2 kids. tired. exhausted.