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So I had a long day as a nursing student. Anyone who has ever been through clinicals can attest to that. I decided since I don't have the kids tonight that I would lay in bed and watch the netflix movie sitting on my dvd player since august. It was PS I Love You. I kept seeing the movie poster and it looked romantic so I asked a friend. She said she loved it but have a kleenex. Wow, I didn't know it was possible to cry through an entire movie, but alas I managed it. Its funny but it brought up so much for me. There's a phenomenon that I discoverd while my husband was in Iraq called anticipatory grieving. Its just like it sounds. I read an article on it specifically how this was happening to wives of soldiers in the Iraq War because of how fast information spreads and the horrors of war played out in our nightly news.Ever since its been over and he was safe I thought that I could forget that time or feel like it wasn't that bad but it was. It hasn't left. It is indelible as any event that has yet occured to me. As I watched this movie about this woman who lost her husband I could identify so much with her. I remember my first nights sleeping alone. Close to a year went by before I got used to it. The longing to be held and not knowing if I would ever have it again. My best friend was gone and my shared life was now solo. Until next year it still is. Every special moment he missed with our sons, every day I didn't think I could take one more step. I still remember when he came home for R&R about nine months into his tour I cried when we made love that first time because I could not believe he was safe and home and it wasn't a dream. I cried because I knew it was for a moment and I would have to send him back to hell again. My dear friend always used to remind me that even if he died there that we knew we would see each other in heaven. I knew that too, but it made me a little sad. I know that heaven is supposed to be joyful and we will be completed with God but I can't imagine not being J's wife. I want that relationship forever not just here. I have a feeling that I will do this process first. I think of the two of us he will die first. I think it would be a mercy. I think he would fall apart without me. He's told me as much. I personally would like to go together. My world is emptier without him. After 3 years without him that hasn't changed. We are so lucky and God has blessed us. So many people live their whole lives without even meeting their soulmate. I met the man who still makes fireworks when we kiss, who is still my best friend, without whom I am a little more incomplete and my world a few more shades of gray. Most of the time I am okay with where we are. Its where we need to be and we have no choice, but tonight I am sad to be alone without my lover, my friend, my husband.
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