He has finally started tell some truth.......he has admitted to sending the email about the threesome.....he tried to tell me he sent it a long, long time ago and that it was delayed.  God, he must think I am stupid.......I guess all of the crap he has dished out and I swallowed for lack of willingness to fight may have given him the impression of me being stupid.  Well, I'm not.

Does he realize that by admitting to sending the email about the threesome he is also admitting to Liz..........I hate him right now. 

I have asked him so many questions.......and he has lied so many times.  I ask the same questions over and over again.......both in my head and out loud.  I wonder why.  Why he has done this to us?  He wants us to stay.......to stay with him and put this behind us.  How can I?  How can I ever trust him again?  I will never be able to keep track of his every move?  I will wonder all the time who he's out fucking now.  Speaking of....I need to go get my ass tested.  God only knows who he has slept with...and who they have slept with.  I swear, if I have anything........UGH!  Never does he tell me why.  Why he is doing this.  Why he allowed me to move out here.  Why he encouraged me to uproot my life to start over...........only to distroy me.  

I have asked him over and over again......how that woman knows about "cats".....before we brought our cat...there was only one and then came Gotham.  That woman has been here since we brought our cat.  How many women have slept in the bed I sleep in?  How many nasty "spots" have I slept in that don't belong to me?  How many times have I washed the sheets and been washing out someone else?  

Again, I am so thankful for my monkey. I really, really don't know where I would be...what I would have done if it weren't for her.  

I need Phillip right now....but either his plate is full or he is upset with me and the way I am dealing with this.  I know what he wants me to do....but I just can't.  I don't have the money, I don't know that I can deal with all of the questions....over and over again.  I can't really sleep, I'm really not eating........I just want it all to stop.  All the pain.  everything.