I just got done helping Monkey work on a school project....it was good. Felt good to do something with her that is productive. I miss the time we use to have together....just the two of us getting silly. I thought moving here would allow for silly times too....but it seems that sadness has over taken my life. I am so thankful I have her right now....God only knows where I would be if it weren't for the responsibility I have towards her.....at the same time, it's that responsibility that I have for her that is keeping in this place with Scott.......where I don't really know if he wants me. He didn't really talk to me at all yesterday....and really hasn't today either. It's funny, when we were 3000 miles apart, we talked about everything......on the phone for hours and hours and now that I am here......the silence is deafing. There have been good times......plenty of them, It's just hard to see those times right now. Hard to wonder if there will be more. I can't help to wonder if and how many times Scott and Liz have had contact this weekend.......I can't stand the fact that I don't believe him.....but do I really have any other choice? Why would she send messages like that? It's not like the messages were her begging him to contact her, or her saying how much she misses him and that she still loves him. I just can't seem to let those words go........and he says thats on me. That I need to let it go and that he isn't doing anything wrong, yet there is no effort on his part to stop her. No phone call in front of me asking/telling her to not call any more....to leave him alone. Telling her that he is living with someone (which, I think she already knows).......none of that.
I cry.......for what seems to be for no reason to him....I don't see why he doesn't see why.......why I am so upset. Why I can't "just let it go". It's not that easy for me.
I just want to be loved....is that really that hard? I would never allow someone to disrespect my relationship in this way....I would be so angry at the person sending the messages, but it really seems that he is involved in the situation.
UGH!
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