So here I sit, looking at this page thinking so many different things and thinking of nothing at all at the same time. Makes a lot of sense doesn't it?

Thinking about Missy, this being the 5th anniversary of her passing, how she would now be 34. Wondering what her life would have been like had she lived. Wondering about all our lives and how it would be had she lived. So terribly sad that she isnt here, yet a blessing. Had she lived she would have either been a quadriplegic or a vegetable, which she would have hated. She was so full of life, love and energy. That for that to have happened would have been a total tragedy.

Which leads me to answer preludes question.

When Missy was killed I lived about 15 miles from my Mom and daughter, 15 miles doesn't sound like much, but when you don't have money for gas, you are basically stuck at home. Mom was at the time nursing a disabled husband, and not able to leave the house much herself. The kiddo was raising a toddler and her hubby wasn't working much so they didnt have spare money for gas to run all over the place too.

So, being so far away from them, and alone all the time, the "husband" was working out of town, I played my games on the PC. And talked to my friends that I had met in the game rooms. I have several dear friends which I wouldn't trade for anything.

One being Kenny. We had met and talked before Missy passing, then when she passed there were several days and nights that I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do much of anything at all really but sit at the computer and play mindless games. Kenny would stay up with me all night and talk. He was in the same sort of situation that Mom was in. He was the caregiver of a friend of his that had been struck down with a massive stroke. Then the fires in California in October of '03 burned them out. They were living in a small trailer house after that. So Kenny was around on the computer just about as much as I was. Kenny and the others kept me company, not only talking to me on the computer but also multiple phone calls.

In August of '03, Kenny and his friend came to TX to his friends niece and nephews graduation. They drove out. Turns out his friend had to be put on a plane back to California, the drive out was a bit rough for him. Kenny came thru here and we met for a coke.

We had been great friends, you know the kind that you can tell anything in the world to, and know that they wont think bad about you or judge you or anything like that.

I met him and we gave each other a hug. That hug rocked my world. When he wrapped me in his arms, I felt safe. I felt loved.
We spent several hours together. When he left, I wanted so badly to just jump in the car and go with him.

I couldn't do that, the kiddo had at this time had 3 miscarriages and was pregos again and needed her Momma here in case it happened again. Which by the way, it didnt, thank goodness. I couldn't because Momma needed me here too.

So more time goes by, due to a lot of weird things happening, his friend was still somewhat with his girlfriend (all she wanted was what she could get from him, money wise and all). She drained his bank account, put them in jeopardy of being evicted and then told Kenny that if he would just leave that she would take care of everything. Kenny was between a rock and a hard spot and at the risk of both of them being homeless, came to TX.

He went to truck driving school and is now an over the road trucker. I see him as often as possible. Last time we saw each other it was during Thanksgiving. Soon we are hoping that I will be able to join him on the truck.

Which is my dilemma, with Mom. She isnt totally unable to take care of herself. She does very well. She just gets terribly lonely and such when I am not around. She tells me to go and be happy, but I am still torn on whether it would be OK if I did. I would never be able to forgive myself if I did something like that and something happened to her.

So here I sit, wishing it would rain, looks like it could. And wondering what to do with my life.