The Noodle and I talked last night, we often do, he isn't able to talk on the phone like he used to, so we talk on AIM.
This is better for me to, and I think for him also. He tends to get very caustic with me, and hurts my feelings, and since we talk online, I am better able to hide it from him and better shield myself. And in all that I am able to choose my words better.
I understand that he is dealing with a lot, going thru cancer like he is. I do understand that, far better than he thinks. I nursed my mother-in-law thru it, sat with her for months on end doing the chemo treatments, sat waiting for her when she went thru the rad treatments, sat with her for months while she went thru the process of dying in the hospital. I understand the fear he is feeling, the helplessness, the overwhelming depression. Yet, he thinks that I understand none of it, that I don't know anything of what I am talking about when I tell him solutions to his problems with the pain pills. Giving him solutions to simple things that would make his life so much easier, if he would just listen. And his wife is an RN? I know that she too has told him many of the things that I have.
So anyways, there are times I send him messages to his phone to let him know I am online if he wants or feels like talking. Sometimes he doesn't feel like talking to me online, so he will text me back and we talk for a while like that. Then he gets in these moods where he feels like talking online, and instead of telling me he is getting on, he will send me a message like he did last night which stated,
'Celtics! LA! 1st 1/2 just a few maybe?' which told me that he might get on in a few but wasn't sure, so I sent him another text that said
'well let me know, if your not gonna be on here then I'm getting off'
to which after a few minutes he replied
'Where did u find patience? It take s time to get on! '
OK, maybe its just me, but this pissed me off to a point. He wasn't clear on if he was getting online or not, and I wasn't going to sit here looking at a blank screen waiting on him.
When he did get on then our conversation started out like this
Him - Now, r u happy?
Me - i guess, you weren't real clear there, sorry that i cost you another 15c
Him - U must be n a bad mood, fixed income, remember every .15c counts!!
Now, he will text me like I said for an hour or so when he doesn't feel like talking online, but this is convenient for him, and he never says anything about how much it costs. Then when it's not convenient for him, he will take special pains to tell me that it cost 15c per text incoming and outgoing and that he is on a fixed income. Which is a load of crap. Yeah he gets his disability now, but his wife like I said is an RN, she makes really good money, and I know for a fact all of their bills are paid so on and so forth, but when it comes down to things like this, he is on a fixed income. Again, when it's convenient for him.
Now he is starting to hound me about coming out there to stay for a few weeks to help him around the house and all this kind of fun stuff. I have already told him no, and he gets really pissy about that. Why don't I want to come? He wants to take this time to get to know me better, blah blah blah. OK, I found him almost 17 years ago, why all the sudden is he wanting to get to know me? Simply because he is dying of cancer? He wants to try to be a father now? I think not, that time is long past. I have seen him a handful of times in this 17 years. Personally I don't want to go out there and subject myself to his verbal abuse, and I don't want to see him die. I told him quite plainly last year when I went out that I wouldn't come out again. In this it is easier, he had 3 other children besides me. Now granted 2 of them as soon as they were able moved clear across the country from him. But still, there are 3 others, well actually, the youngest cant, he has a wife and child he has to work to support so hes out. Then there's my sister, she has to work to support herself, but there is the one closest to me in age, he isnt married, and currently isn't employed, so he would be the best candidate. In fact when we were all together last year, (first time ever, I might add) he stated that he was wanting to move back to California. So to my way of thinking that would be the perfect solution.
And besides all that, the Noodle knows Moms situation, and that I am the only one here for her, so in all honesty who does he think I am going to stay with? Him? Who chose to ignore my existence until I found him when I was 27? Or my Mom, who raised me, nurtured me, and did all the things a parent does?
Oh well, enough of all this, venting did help. Today is www.com day.
I hope everyone has a great hump day!
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