I just don't get it, I really don't.
The Noodle called yesterday afternoon, and said he was going to the hospital, I thought he said for 4-5 days. After talking to him via text messages for 3 hours last night, I think he meant to say 4-5 hours? I just really don't know.
Anyways, he's scared, really scared. He's now realizing that the choice he made wasn't a good one. But then who knows how the other one might have been? It's one of those forever unanswered questions that will linger forever. I hate those.
He signed a DNR, I don't know when. So last night he's sitting in the ER, they're giving him more blood. He's in terrible pain apparently. Going on and on about how my step-mom has her priorities all messed up because she isn't sitting there with him right this minute. How she has 2 of the grandchildren with her when she's supposed to be at the hospital waiting with him til they put him in a room so that she can set up the cpap machine. Well, the nurses can do that. But no, he thinks she's the only one that can.
I question the fact that he went to the ER, he has a regular doctor. I question the fact that he should have been contacted by the doctor, he's been there for 5 hours at this point. He informs me that in California, this is how things are done. That you go to the ER, sit in there for a lifetime, then they put you in a room and then the next morning your regular doctor will come in when he makes his rounds. Uh, ok. So not how it's done where I come from.
He's tripping out on me, says because he's a cancer patient and DNR, that they are doing and will only do the minimum amount of care for him.
And then he's begging me to not leave him hanging that he's scared and doesn't want to be alone. That he doesn't want to die alone. I kept asking him why he thought he would be dying tonight. And all he kept telling me was he was in panic mode.
This went on for 3 hours. On text, which is according to him .15c for each and every one of them, sent and received. Which he's basically hollered at me before, that he couldn't afford that. Yet, when he's needy, and wants to talk then it's all good.
I prayed the Lords prayer with him. Yes, via text, I also just prayed with him hoping it would help him. It didn't, or didn't seem like it did.
I'm just at my wits end. I didn't sleep well last night because of this. I still don't know why sometimes I do all this. He wasn't there for 27 years of my life at all. He really hasn't been there for the 18 years since I've found him. Yet, I still have the need or feel the need to be a good daughter. And I know how it will be when he gets out of the hospital and feels good again. He'll be back to basically ignoring me when he doesn't feel like talking. I am the one that reaches out to him. To make sure he's feeling good, eating right, etc.
He also informed me that my brother was coming out to see him, since it looks like he will be going to jail for 4-5 months, provided he returns to Florida after his trip. He said that he probably just wants to see him before he dies. Then promptly told me that I needed to come see him before he dies. Well, #1, I saw him last August, he was still in good shape then, and as far as I'm concerned, that will be my lasting memory of my father. I don't want to see him now. I've been thru this before. I dont want my last memories of him to be like that.
Well, off to do the last bit of cleaning before my kiddo gets here. That will help keep my mind off this other crap.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Hugs!
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