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I miss my Noodle.
I sit here thinking of the what ifs, what could have been, so on and so forth. I know this is normal after losing someone. Lord knows Ive lost quite a few loved ones thru the years.
This one just sucks a little worse than the others. Well besides Missy dying, its just about as bad.
When I found my Noodle 17 years ago, I thought I would have many years to develop a relationship. Just goes to show what I know huh.
Funny thing about our relationship. We fought, well, not really fought, but fussed. He was a big man, 6'6" and 300 pounds before all this. He was not always a nice person, he bullied his way with most. And being big he used that to intimidate people. People cowed down to him. I didn't, and he didn't know how to take that. I wasn't afraid to tell him what I thought. He would tell me his opinions, I would tell him mine, and he wouldn't talk to me for weeks sometimes months because of this. Still didn't stop me, even going thru this hellacious journey of his having cancer. And we had some battles. He never stopped talking to me thru out all that this time. He knew. He also grudgingly respected my opinions. That was our relationship and I miss it.
I miss knowing that he is simply there. I saw him a total of 10 times. But still I knew he was there. Just a phone call or a text away. Now there is no more. And it hurts.
My very last text from him was on the 17th anniversary of me finding him. I sent him one telling him it was our anniversary. He sent one back that said
'Wow! 17! 2day a ok day. Pray'n 4 17 more. God will! Walked 2 kitchen 2 day-1st time n a month! Will be so lost w/Kim leaves-she does so much! Love u!'
Now, the Noodle never said love you, he always typed in 143 when texting or on the computer. Easier for him.
I have a very special message there. One that I will keep for always.
My sister postponed going home for a week, well she leaves Sunday. She is helping our step-mom take care of his personal effects and stuff, that way she doesn't have to do it all alone.
Its been really hard signing onto the computer, I cant face opening my aim messenger, I know his little light on there will forever be off now.
I want to tell him, told you so! You should have listened to me! I still have a hard time dealing with the fact that the possibility of a tiny scar would make him take the path that he did, when in the end he suffered far more indignities. In truth, in plain pisses me off. I want to rant at him, what, death is better? Leaving your wife, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and friends is better than having a stupid 2 inch scar????? What????
I know, I know, he fought his fight the way he wanted, and he chose this path for a purpose. I still do not see the purpose.
I am tired of ranting right now. I will own stock in Kleenex before long. I am sure I will rant more later. I am just tired.
I also know that my Mom wont be with me all that long either. Then I think I'm going to take a vacation in the nuthouse.
I'm going back to my corner now, and will babble over there.
Oh I did have a bright moment in my day, I got to see Kenny going thru the toll booth in Bayonne!
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Posted by 1221dol0306 on 2008-10-08 15:45:13 | Rating: | Views: 41
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Hey Dol, A hug to you, I really enjoyed your recount here, Im sure Noodle is looking down smiling at you. It is a beautiful text message you have to keep. HUGS xx
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-10-09 02:25:22
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As long as we have memories, they are never really gone....I am so glad you found him and made those memories. You can babble all you want, we are always here to listen. ((HUGS))
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-10-09 07:23:48
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Hi, My Lisa... I am still sooo sorry for your loss... You will forever have the noodle.. in your memories..And your special text... And most importantly in your HEART!!!Hold him forever there, till you meet agian, and it will be forever then...I know 17 years was not long enough.. But it was a special 17 years.. And yes he chose to handle his cancer in a way we didn't understand, but it made since to him..He will always be looking down on you.. And watching over you..I love you always and miss you more... And if you want, I will go to the crazy corner with you...Love to mom too...
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Posted by jokid4
on 2008-10-13 11:57:34
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